The Recess will not be Televised


Nearly 1,000 Chicago students cut school the past two days in protest of unequal school funding. Wow! Skip school? The protest organizers really knew how to light a fire under their constituency. Here is a list of other other forms of protest that are being considered.

1. Fasts where the children are allowed only to eat candy.

2. Sit-ins in front of televisions showing 24 hour loops of High School Musical.

3. Tying themselves to their Wiis with remotes.

4. Protests songs written by Miley Cyrus.

5. Boycotting dentist's offices and vegetables.

It's in his Genes to Get in her Jeans

A study done on Swedish men discovered what researchers refer to as a monogamy gene. It is closely related to the boring gene, the nerd gene and the "Got no game" gene.

According to the study, if a man had double the normal allotment for allele 334, then he was less likely to be married (think George Clooney) and if he were married, then look out! It's John Edwards Syndrome. Symptoms include massive insensitivity, delusions of grandeur, obsessive hair maintenance and indiscriminate staff schtuping.

Should women married to these men be worried? People who believe in free will say no. Determinists say, "You married him, stupid."

But many simply believe that those men are not destined to cheat, but rather have a more difficult time staying monogamous. I find having a face like a meteor and a job that requires a paper hat helps with monogamy. Not unrelated, one can insure celibacy by asking for the woman to pick up the tab on a date (particularly with the stipulation that you are a big tipper) and not only living with your parents but sleeping in their bed.

What should a woman do if her husband is one of these men? Here are some simple suggestions. Remove suggestive materials: DVDs, computer programs, men's magazines, books, catalogs, windows that look out on the world. You know what, blind your husband. Just gouge his eyes out.

Also stay away from places like nudist colonies, beaches and pools. Also steer clear of clubs, bars, restaurants, church, his job and your job, meet the teacher night, the hospital, parks, inside, outside anywhere women are known to exist. Perhaps relocation is the answer. Think parts of Alaska or Mars.

But a final word to the women at this trying time --Told you so. It's all natural baby. That time you caught your man in the back of his car with his secretary--Science. Or the time in the back of his office with his accountant -- Science. Or that time on your birthday in you r bed with your sister and your mother -- It was simply science in action.

Next time whip out a pencil and pad and take notes. You might learn something. But you stay faithful, of course, because otherwise would be unnatural -- until science proves otherwise. But I think science has done enough for today and on this subject. So give it a rest science. And girlfriends -- keep your eye out for that wandering eye.

Come to Bury the Cads of Cadbury

Time magazine recently (September 8) ran a story about the woes of one Cadbury Schweppes. Two great tastes that don't go great together. What was collectively referred to as a confectioner, aka sugar pusher, stumbled in competition with the mighty PepsiCo not to be confused with Oscorp which was run by the Green Goblin.

So Cadbury spun off the soft drink wing as Dr. Pepper Snapple Group and at the same time renamed itself Cadbury, much the way Mariah Carey renamed herself Mimi after leaving Tommy Mottola.

Divorce is always hardest on the kids. I'm sure many a bunny is in therapy blaming itself for the break-up. But Cadbury is responsible. It's braintrust, and I use the term loosely, worked out deals that gave them few to no rights in the distribution of their own product. And Cadbury takes responsibility, but not necessarily for things it should.

On its website under "Responsibilities" (How clever), one can find that they are members of Purple Goes Green and the Cadbury Cocoa Partnership. Though both sound like Gay Rights groups, Purple Goes Green is an oddly worded "commitment to climate change." I guess they're candy will come coated in SPF 50. However, they do plan on reducing their carbon footprint. How noble considering every "target" (reducing packaging, reducing energy use) is, at this time, an amendable plan. Not only that, but these plans would actually save them money.

On the other hand, the Partnership is "a ground-breaking initiative to secure the economic, social and environmental sustainability of around a million cocoa farmers and their communities in Ghana, India, Indonesia and the Caribbean." Sustainability? Talk about setting the bar low. Why not call it the Partnership to Insure Mediocrity. At least their pledge isn't to destroy all who get in their way. Again its a coincidence that this helps their bottom line, right? You can't harvest cocoa if the fields are a battleground or all the workers are busy farming food to eat to live. So in a roundabout way they do care about people, just not the people who work for them.

CEO Todd Stitizer plans on cutting 15% of the company's workforce over the next four years. So maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow (It's so considerate to drag it out), but someday the people who have labored to make the company work, not the ones who made the bad business decisions, we'll be handed Bubblicious Pink Slips and told to blow.

Why the mass firings --a 4% to 6% growth in annual revenue. That's right a whole nickel for every dollar. And a jump in profit margin from 10 to what is cloyingly described as the midteens.

Should I have expected anything less from a company founded in 1824 by John Cadbury, a Quaker? That is what we think of when we think of Quakers, cutthroat business men. And oatmeal. I guess the whole paying for Pennsylvania was anomalous. You know Pennsylvania, home to Philadelphia, The City of Brotherly Love. Unless you are Santa at an Eagles game or comedian Bill Burr at an O&A comedy show. So how do you rectify such behavior?

I guess the good, outweighs the bad. Mr. Stitzer tells Time Magazine, "We sell small moments of pleasure--small treats that are affordable in most circumstances." Not to the people who are out of work. It's unfortunate because I bet they could really use a pick me up right about now.

Endangered Animals

Back in 1973, President Richard Nixon signed into law the Endangered Species Act (ESA) which created an Endangered Species List as well as guidelines for government agencies when dealing with habitats containing such animals.

Everyone knows Nixon loved lists whether they be made up of endangered species or political enemies. Prone to poor judgement, Nixon once mixed up his lists. Paul Newman was incarcerated in the San Diego Zoo as a possible mate for Ling Ling, while an American alligator named Toothy had his credit history sullied.

Everyone also knows that Nixon and his administration were sticklers for governmental guidelines. For instance, before E. Howard Hunt broke into the Watergate Hotel, he was told to punch out at five o clock like everyone else and then only afterwards was he able to file his paperwork with accounting requesting overtime.

So why in the world would the Bush administration tamper with Nixon's legacy? (And this is what everyone remembers Nixon for, his love of animals). Why would they consider changing the laws in place?

First reason, "Mission Accomplished." 99 percent of the list is still in existence. You couldn't throw a grizzly bear without hitting a grey wolf. Both of which would probably eat you if you tried. And that's my point. This is the thanks we get! After all those years of foregoing juicy Ozark big-eared bat steaks and Alabama beach mouse over mitts? Let's show them who's boss and thin the heard (do they come in herds?)

Another reason for the changes, two words: Chatty Cathys. Talk, talk talk, that's all these agencies ever want to do. Plan, think, devise: all words that get in the way of a microwavable, wireless, downloadable society. I mean how long do I have to wait for this bridge to be built, I have a pedicure at two. This isn't rocket science! Though many of the same principals are involved.

And I think everyone is a little sick and tired of the US Fish and Wildlife Service acting like big shots. Who are they anyway, my mom, or scientists or experts? What are you going to do about it anyway? Bait a hook for me! Ha Ha. Hey! Look at this shiny worm floating on the water. Oww!!

So Nixon's Endangered Species List is endangered because basically the animals are fine. They'll adapt. They're Americans after all. I just hope they don't figure out how to lobby.

Poor Nixon, another of his accomplishments forgotten. And to think some of his vaunted endangered species are also included on the Red List of Threatened Species put out by the International Union for Conservation of Nature. In his own camp, Reds? He's probably rolling in his grave.

Maverick finds his Goose, but Hopefully Doesn't Goose his Find

Barely containing his despise for Katie Couric, Bob Schaffer told her on the CBS Evening News that John McCain's choice of running mate was reminiscent of McCain's old "maverick" style (More TV's Maverick James Garner, less Tom Cruise in Top Gun). So let's define Maverick by breaking down the choice of Sarah Palin.

1. She's woman. Say ... isn't that a coincidence? Why just a few weeks ago a prominent woman was running in the other party. She didn't get picked now there is some word that her supporters are pretty peeved. I guess Maverick is synonymous with Serendipitous.

2. She appeals to working class men. This makes me laugh when coupled with the description of her as a former beauty queen. She is an attractive woman, but it's like they're asking those blue collar men, "Who would you rather see in a swimsuit competition, her or Joe Biden?" My response of course would be, "Well, will they be wearing a one-piece or two-?" Maverick means horny. Other famous Mavericks include Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione and President Bill Clinton.

3. She's an NRA member (a group McCain has sewn up), anti abortion (voting for McCain anyway), and from Alaska (a well-known Red State.) Maverick means "redundant." And by redundant I mean not needed because it is already covered (A little evergreen redundancy joke for you).

4. She's young and a novice when it comes to world politics. Sound like anyone else in the campaign? Someone who has a great deal of popularity and gets attacked for these same reasons? Maverick means jealous. A Maverick wants a ticket considered too old and too young, too insider and too outsider, too man and too woman, too hot (Arizona) and too cold (Alaska). The bumper stickers should be the two of them contorted into a yin yang.

5. She's being investigated for a scandal in which she was pressuring people to fire her ex-brother in law. Maverick, like TNT means Drama!

6. She's a self described Hockey mom. And what sport is more popular in the US than hockey? Other than Baseball and Football and Basketball, Golf, Volleyball, Gymnastics, Swimming, Bowling, (752 other sports deleted for space ) ... Skeet shooting, a Spelling Bee, Tiddlywinks. But after those, Hockey is the Game! At least, he'll win over all those Canadian expatriates. Maverick means longshot.

Runners Up: Olympic Lessons for the Democrats
(posted a day late)

So the Olympics give way to the Democratic National Convention. Clearly after all that happened in Beijing, the Democrats have a formula for what works and what does not. However, here are a few dos and don'ts I learned the past few weeks.

1. Don't have Michelle Obama's voice dubbed by Beyonce.

2. Do have beach bikini cheerleaders, but situate them far away from President Clinton and the Kennedy family and John Edwards ... Maybe it's not such a great idea.

3. Don't use the Olympic boxing scoring system. You see what happens when you use that system: Dade County, Florida 2000.

4. Do check to see if the delegates are not underage and pretending to be older. Hey is the Chuck Schumer listening to the Jonas Brothers?

5. To Hillary Clinton (who I assume knows Tae Kwon Do), don't kick Bill Richardson in the head because he endorsed Obama and not you.

6. Do pass the baton cleanly (major metaphor). Let's not have a pileup that dashes the hopes of the future and takes out Great Britain too.

The Fantastic Four Food Groups


The Food and Drug Administration decided to allow produce companies to radiate vegetables like spinach and lettuce to kill bacteria. The practice has been allowed for meats for years. So with the food pyramid filling out with a trefoil, sounds like its time to get me some superpowers! "With great fiber comes great responsibility." But what can everyone else look forward to?

1. Glow-in-the-dark guinea pigs.

2. Vegetable stands with nuclear capability.

3. Rabbits that get stronger the madder they get.

4. Complaints from bacteria rights activists.

5. See-through elephants.

6. A lot of armchair dentistry (What with the X-rays and all, get it?).

7. Lead-lined salad tongs.

8. Mushrooms that produce namesake clouds.

9. Popeye going Kosher.

10. Attack of the 50 foot cow.