Olympic Revelations


Pay no attention to the little girl behind the curtain, to paraphrase the Wizard of Oz. Lin Miaoke, the little pigtailed girl, wowed the world with her rendition of "Ode to the Motherland" (one of my personal karaoke favorites). She beguiled them with her smile, her eyes, everything but the actual singing. That was done by a girl of the same age named Yang Peiyi who was replaced because a state offical felt, in so many words, she wasn't cute enough. I had no idea the ceremonies were being produced by C&C Music Factory (Props to Martha Washington!)

After that the wolrd learned that some of the fireworks were actually visual effects recorded earlier. We should have been tipped off when the cast of Shrek appeared to sing "We are Family."

Hot on the heels of these revelations comes a series of even more shocking "truths" that I have discovered, and by discovered I mean fabricated.


1. In lieu of talc for the gymnasts, they've been using powdered Flubber.

2. The gold medals are not gold. But no, they are not filled with choclate. They're filled with asbestos.

3. They're not even in China. The whole thing is being held in a Holiday Inn in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

4. Several of the countries don't even exist. Beware any teams from countries like Awesomestrailia or Francine. They're fake, comprised of actors. In fact, if you look closely, the Luxembourg team is made up of former cast members of Law & Order.

5. Some of the medals are being decided by closed-door Guitar Hero tournaments.

6. They ran out of water for the events on the first day and have been faking it ever since.