The Recess will not be Televised
Nearly 1,000 Chicago students cut school the past two days in protest of unequal school funding. Wow! Skip school? The protest organizers really knew how to light a fire under their constituency. Here is a list of other other forms of protest that are being considered.
1. Fasts where the children are allowed only to eat candy.
2. Sit-ins in front of televisions showing 24 hour loops of High School Musical.
3. Tying themselves to their Wiis with remotes.
4. Protests songs written by Miley Cyrus.
5. Boycotting dentist's offices and vegetables.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
It's in his Genes to Get in her Jeans
A study done on Swedish men discovered what researchers refer to as a monogamy gene. It is closely related to the boring gene, the nerd gene and the "Got no game" gene.
According to the study, if a man had double the normal allotment for allele 334, then he was less likely to be married (think George Clooney) and if he were married, then look out! It's John Edwards Syndrome. Symptoms include massive insensitivity, delusions of grandeur, obsessive hair maintenance and indiscriminate staff schtuping.
Should women married to these men be worried? People who believe in free will say no. Determinists say, "You married him, stupid."
But many simply believe that those men are not destined to cheat, but rather have a more difficult time staying monogamous. I find having a face like a meteor and a job that requires a paper hat helps with monogamy. Not unrelated, one can insure celibacy by asking for the woman to pick up the tab on a date (particularly with the stipulation that you are a big tipper) and not only living with your parents but sleeping in their bed.
What should a woman do if her husband is one of these men? Here are some simple suggestions. Remove suggestive materials: DVDs, computer programs, men's magazines, books, catalogs, windows that look out on the world. You know what, blind your husband. Just gouge his eyes out.
Also stay away from places like nudist colonies, beaches and pools. Also steer clear of clubs, bars, restaurants, church, his job and your job, meet the teacher night, the hospital, parks, inside, outside anywhere women are known to exist. Perhaps relocation is the answer. Think parts of Alaska or Mars.
But a final word to the women at this trying time --Told you so. It's all natural baby. That time you caught your man in the back of his car with his secretary--Science. Or the time in the back of his office with his accountant -- Science. Or that time on your birthday in you r bed with your sister and your mother -- It was simply science in action.
Next time whip out a pencil and pad and take notes. You might learn something. But you stay faithful, of course, because otherwise would be unnatural -- until science proves otherwise. But I think science has done enough for today and on this subject. So give it a rest science. And girlfriends -- keep your eye out for that wandering eye.
A study done on Swedish men discovered what researchers refer to as a monogamy gene. It is closely related to the boring gene, the nerd gene and the "Got no game" gene.
According to the study, if a man had double the normal allotment for allele 334, then he was less likely to be married (think George Clooney) and if he were married, then look out! It's John Edwards Syndrome. Symptoms include massive insensitivity, delusions of grandeur, obsessive hair maintenance and indiscriminate staff schtuping.
Should women married to these men be worried? People who believe in free will say no. Determinists say, "You married him, stupid."
But many simply believe that those men are not destined to cheat, but rather have a more difficult time staying monogamous. I find having a face like a meteor and a job that requires a paper hat helps with monogamy. Not unrelated, one can insure celibacy by asking for the woman to pick up the tab on a date (particularly with the stipulation that you are a big tipper) and not only living with your parents but sleeping in their bed.
What should a woman do if her husband is one of these men? Here are some simple suggestions. Remove suggestive materials: DVDs, computer programs, men's magazines, books, catalogs, windows that look out on the world. You know what, blind your husband. Just gouge his eyes out.
Also stay away from places like nudist colonies, beaches and pools. Also steer clear of clubs, bars, restaurants, church, his job and your job, meet the teacher night, the hospital, parks, inside, outside anywhere women are known to exist. Perhaps relocation is the answer. Think parts of Alaska or Mars.
But a final word to the women at this trying time --Told you so. It's all natural baby. That time you caught your man in the back of his car with his secretary--Science. Or the time in the back of his office with his accountant -- Science. Or that time on your birthday in you r bed with your sister and your mother -- It was simply science in action.
Next time whip out a pencil and pad and take notes. You might learn something. But you stay faithful, of course, because otherwise would be unnatural -- until science proves otherwise. But I think science has done enough for today and on this subject. So give it a rest science. And girlfriends -- keep your eye out for that wandering eye.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Come to Bury the Cads of Cadbury
Time magazine recently (September 8) ran a story about the woes of one Cadbury Schweppes. Two great tastes that don't go great together. What was collectively referred to as a confectioner, aka sugar pusher, stumbled in competition with the mighty PepsiCo not to be confused with Oscorp which was run by the Green Goblin.
So Cadbury spun off the soft drink wing as Dr. Pepper Snapple Group and at the same time renamed itself Cadbury, much the way Mariah Carey renamed herself Mimi after leaving Tommy Mottola.
Divorce is always hardest on the kids. I'm sure many a bunny is in therapy blaming itself for the break-up. But Cadbury is responsible. It's braintrust, and I use the term loosely, worked out deals that gave them few to no rights in the distribution of their own product. And Cadbury takes responsibility, but not necessarily for things it should.
On its website under "Responsibilities" (How clever), one can find that they are members of Purple Goes Green and the Cadbury Cocoa Partnership. Though both sound like Gay Rights groups, Purple Goes Green is an oddly worded "commitment to climate change." I guess they're candy will come coated in SPF 50. However, they do plan on reducing their carbon footprint. How noble considering every "target" (reducing packaging, reducing energy use) is, at this time, an amendable plan. Not only that, but these plans would actually save them money.
On the other hand, the Partnership is "a ground-breaking initiative to secure the economic, social and environmental sustainability of around a million cocoa farmers and their communities in Ghana, India, Indonesia and the Caribbean." Sustainability? Talk about setting the bar low. Why not call it the Partnership to Insure Mediocrity. At least their pledge isn't to destroy all who get in their way. Again its a coincidence that this helps their bottom line, right? You can't harvest cocoa if the fields are a battleground or all the workers are busy farming food to eat to live. So in a roundabout way they do care about people, just not the people who work for them.
CEO Todd Stitizer plans on cutting 15% of the company's workforce over the next four years. So maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow (It's so considerate to drag it out), but someday the people who have labored to make the company work, not the ones who made the bad business decisions, we'll be handed Bubblicious Pink Slips and told to blow.
Why the mass firings --a 4% to 6% growth in annual revenue. That's right a whole nickel for every dollar. And a jump in profit margin from 10 to what is cloyingly described as the midteens.
Should I have expected anything less from a company founded in 1824 by John Cadbury, a Quaker? That is what we think of when we think of Quakers, cutthroat business men. And oatmeal. I guess the whole paying for Pennsylvania was anomalous. You know Pennsylvania, home to Philadelphia, The City of Brotherly Love. Unless you are Santa at an Eagles game or comedian Bill Burr at an O&A comedy show. So how do you rectify such behavior?
I guess the good, outweighs the bad. Mr. Stitzer tells Time Magazine, "We sell small moments of pleasure--small treats that are affordable in most circumstances." Not to the people who are out of work. It's unfortunate because I bet they could really use a pick me up right about now.
Time magazine recently (September 8) ran a story about the woes of one Cadbury Schweppes. Two great tastes that don't go great together. What was collectively referred to as a confectioner, aka sugar pusher, stumbled in competition with the mighty PepsiCo not to be confused with Oscorp which was run by the Green Goblin.
So Cadbury spun off the soft drink wing as Dr. Pepper Snapple Group and at the same time renamed itself Cadbury, much the way Mariah Carey renamed herself Mimi after leaving Tommy Mottola.
Divorce is always hardest on the kids. I'm sure many a bunny is in therapy blaming itself for the break-up. But Cadbury is responsible. It's braintrust, and I use the term loosely, worked out deals that gave them few to no rights in the distribution of their own product. And Cadbury takes responsibility, but not necessarily for things it should.
On its website under "Responsibilities" (How clever), one can find that they are members of Purple Goes Green and the Cadbury Cocoa Partnership. Though both sound like Gay Rights groups, Purple Goes Green is an oddly worded "commitment to climate change." I guess they're candy will come coated in SPF 50. However, they do plan on reducing their carbon footprint. How noble considering every "target" (reducing packaging, reducing energy use) is, at this time, an amendable plan. Not only that, but these plans would actually save them money.
On the other hand, the Partnership is "a ground-breaking initiative to secure the economic, social and environmental sustainability of around a million cocoa farmers and their communities in Ghana, India, Indonesia and the Caribbean." Sustainability? Talk about setting the bar low. Why not call it the Partnership to Insure Mediocrity. At least their pledge isn't to destroy all who get in their way. Again its a coincidence that this helps their bottom line, right? You can't harvest cocoa if the fields are a battleground or all the workers are busy farming food to eat to live. So in a roundabout way they do care about people, just not the people who work for them.
CEO Todd Stitizer plans on cutting 15% of the company's workforce over the next four years. So maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow (It's so considerate to drag it out), but someday the people who have labored to make the company work, not the ones who made the bad business decisions, we'll be handed Bubblicious Pink Slips and told to blow.
Why the mass firings --a 4% to 6% growth in annual revenue. That's right a whole nickel for every dollar. And a jump in profit margin from 10 to what is cloyingly described as the midteens.
Should I have expected anything less from a company founded in 1824 by John Cadbury, a Quaker? That is what we think of when we think of Quakers, cutthroat business men. And oatmeal. I guess the whole paying for Pennsylvania was anomalous. You know Pennsylvania, home to Philadelphia, The City of Brotherly Love. Unless you are Santa at an Eagles game or comedian Bill Burr at an O&A comedy show. So how do you rectify such behavior?
I guess the good, outweighs the bad. Mr. Stitzer tells Time Magazine, "We sell small moments of pleasure--small treats that are affordable in most circumstances." Not to the people who are out of work. It's unfortunate because I bet they could really use a pick me up right about now.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Endangered Animals
Back in 1973, President Richard Nixon signed into law the Endangered Species Act (ESA) which created an Endangered Species List as well as guidelines for government agencies when dealing with habitats containing such animals.
Everyone knows Nixon loved lists whether they be made up of endangered species or political enemies. Prone to poor judgement, Nixon once mixed up his lists. Paul Newman was incarcerated in the San Diego Zoo as a possible mate for Ling Ling, while an American alligator named Toothy had his credit history sullied.
Everyone also knows that Nixon and his administration were sticklers for governmental guidelines. For instance, before E. Howard Hunt broke into the Watergate Hotel, he was told to punch out at five o clock like everyone else and then only afterwards was he able to file his paperwork with accounting requesting overtime.
So why in the world would the Bush administration tamper with Nixon's legacy? (And this is what everyone remembers Nixon for, his love of animals). Why would they consider changing the laws in place?
First reason, "Mission Accomplished." 99 percent of the list is still in existence. You couldn't throw a grizzly bear without hitting a grey wolf. Both of which would probably eat you if you tried. And that's my point. This is the thanks we get! After all those years of foregoing juicy Ozark big-eared bat steaks and Alabama beach mouse over mitts? Let's show them who's boss and thin the heard (do they come in herds?)
Another reason for the changes, two words: Chatty Cathys. Talk, talk talk, that's all these agencies ever want to do. Plan, think, devise: all words that get in the way of a microwavable, wireless, downloadable society. I mean how long do I have to wait for this bridge to be built, I have a pedicure at two. This isn't rocket science! Though many of the same principals are involved.
And I think everyone is a little sick and tired of the US Fish and Wildlife Service acting like big shots. Who are they anyway, my mom, or scientists or experts? What are you going to do about it anyway? Bait a hook for me! Ha Ha. Hey! Look at this shiny worm floating on the water. Oww!!
So Nixon's Endangered Species List is endangered because basically the animals are fine. They'll adapt. They're Americans after all. I just hope they don't figure out how to lobby.
Poor Nixon, another of his accomplishments forgotten. And to think some of his vaunted endangered species are also included on the Red List of Threatened Species put out by the International Union for Conservation of Nature. In his own camp, Reds? He's probably rolling in his grave.
Back in 1973, President Richard Nixon signed into law the Endangered Species Act (ESA) which created an Endangered Species List as well as guidelines for government agencies when dealing with habitats containing such animals.
Everyone knows Nixon loved lists whether they be made up of endangered species or political enemies. Prone to poor judgement, Nixon once mixed up his lists. Paul Newman was incarcerated in the San Diego Zoo as a possible mate for Ling Ling, while an American alligator named Toothy had his credit history sullied.
Everyone also knows that Nixon and his administration were sticklers for governmental guidelines. For instance, before E. Howard Hunt broke into the Watergate Hotel, he was told to punch out at five o clock like everyone else and then only afterwards was he able to file his paperwork with accounting requesting overtime.
So why in the world would the Bush administration tamper with Nixon's legacy? (And this is what everyone remembers Nixon for, his love of animals). Why would they consider changing the laws in place?
First reason, "Mission Accomplished." 99 percent of the list is still in existence. You couldn't throw a grizzly bear without hitting a grey wolf. Both of which would probably eat you if you tried. And that's my point. This is the thanks we get! After all those years of foregoing juicy Ozark big-eared bat steaks and Alabama beach mouse over mitts? Let's show them who's boss and thin the heard (do they come in herds?)
Another reason for the changes, two words: Chatty Cathys. Talk, talk talk, that's all these agencies ever want to do. Plan, think, devise: all words that get in the way of a microwavable, wireless, downloadable society. I mean how long do I have to wait for this bridge to be built, I have a pedicure at two. This isn't rocket science! Though many of the same principals are involved.
And I think everyone is a little sick and tired of the US Fish and Wildlife Service acting like big shots. Who are they anyway, my mom, or scientists or experts? What are you going to do about it anyway? Bait a hook for me! Ha Ha. Hey! Look at this shiny worm floating on the water. Oww!!
So Nixon's Endangered Species List is endangered because basically the animals are fine. They'll adapt. They're Americans after all. I just hope they don't figure out how to lobby.
Poor Nixon, another of his accomplishments forgotten. And to think some of his vaunted endangered species are also included on the Red List of Threatened Species put out by the International Union for Conservation of Nature. In his own camp, Reds? He's probably rolling in his grave.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Maverick finds his Goose, but Hopefully Doesn't Goose his Find
Barely containing his despise for Katie Couric, Bob Schaffer told her on the CBS Evening News that John McCain's choice of running mate was reminiscent of McCain's old "maverick" style (More TV's Maverick James Garner, less Tom Cruise in Top Gun). So let's define Maverick by breaking down the choice of Sarah Palin.
1. She's woman. Say ... isn't that a coincidence? Why just a few weeks ago a prominent woman was running in the other party. She didn't get picked now there is some word that her supporters are pretty peeved. I guess Maverick is synonymous with Serendipitous.
2. She appeals to working class men. This makes me laugh when coupled with the description of her as a former beauty queen. She is an attractive woman, but it's like they're asking those blue collar men, "Who would you rather see in a swimsuit competition, her or Joe Biden?" My response of course would be, "Well, will they be wearing a one-piece or two-?" Maverick means horny. Other famous Mavericks include Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione and President Bill Clinton.
3. She's an NRA member (a group McCain has sewn up), anti abortion (voting for McCain anyway), and from Alaska (a well-known Red State.) Maverick means "redundant." And by redundant I mean not needed because it is already covered (A little evergreen redundancy joke for you).
4. She's young and a novice when it comes to world politics. Sound like anyone else in the campaign? Someone who has a great deal of popularity and gets attacked for these same reasons? Maverick means jealous. A Maverick wants a ticket considered too old and too young, too insider and too outsider, too man and too woman, too hot (Arizona) and too cold (Alaska). The bumper stickers should be the two of them contorted into a yin yang.
5. She's being investigated for a scandal in which she was pressuring people to fire her ex-brother in law. Maverick, like TNT means Drama!
6. She's a self described Hockey mom. And what sport is more popular in the US than hockey? Other than Baseball and Football and Basketball, Golf, Volleyball, Gymnastics, Swimming, Bowling, (752 other sports deleted for space ) ... Skeet shooting, a Spelling Bee, Tiddlywinks. But after those, Hockey is the Game! At least, he'll win over all those Canadian expatriates. Maverick means longshot.
Barely containing his despise for Katie Couric, Bob Schaffer told her on the CBS Evening News that John McCain's choice of running mate was reminiscent of McCain's old "maverick" style (More TV's Maverick James Garner, less Tom Cruise in Top Gun). So let's define Maverick by breaking down the choice of Sarah Palin.
1. She's woman. Say ... isn't that a coincidence? Why just a few weeks ago a prominent woman was running in the other party. She didn't get picked now there is some word that her supporters are pretty peeved. I guess Maverick is synonymous with Serendipitous.
2. She appeals to working class men. This makes me laugh when coupled with the description of her as a former beauty queen. She is an attractive woman, but it's like they're asking those blue collar men, "Who would you rather see in a swimsuit competition, her or Joe Biden?" My response of course would be, "Well, will they be wearing a one-piece or two-?" Maverick means horny. Other famous Mavericks include Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione and President Bill Clinton.
3. She's an NRA member (a group McCain has sewn up), anti abortion (voting for McCain anyway), and from Alaska (a well-known Red State.) Maverick means "redundant." And by redundant I mean not needed because it is already covered (A little evergreen redundancy joke for you).
4. She's young and a novice when it comes to world politics. Sound like anyone else in the campaign? Someone who has a great deal of popularity and gets attacked for these same reasons? Maverick means jealous. A Maverick wants a ticket considered too old and too young, too insider and too outsider, too man and too woman, too hot (Arizona) and too cold (Alaska). The bumper stickers should be the two of them contorted into a yin yang.
5. She's being investigated for a scandal in which she was pressuring people to fire her ex-brother in law. Maverick, like TNT means Drama!
6. She's a self described Hockey mom. And what sport is more popular in the US than hockey? Other than Baseball and Football and Basketball, Golf, Volleyball, Gymnastics, Swimming, Bowling, (752 other sports deleted for space ) ... Skeet shooting, a Spelling Bee, Tiddlywinks. But after those, Hockey is the Game! At least, he'll win over all those Canadian expatriates. Maverick means longshot.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Runners Up: Olympic Lessons for the Democrats
(posted a day late)
So the Olympics give way to the Democratic National Convention. Clearly after all that happened in Beijing, the Democrats have a formula for what works and what does not. However, here are a few dos and don'ts I learned the past few weeks.
1. Don't have Michelle Obama's voice dubbed by Beyonce.
2. Do have beach bikini cheerleaders, but situate them far away from President Clinton and the Kennedy family and John Edwards ... Maybe it's not such a great idea.
3. Don't use the Olympic boxing scoring system. You see what happens when you use that system: Dade County, Florida 2000.
4. Do check to see if the delegates are not underage and pretending to be older. Hey is the Chuck Schumer listening to the Jonas Brothers?
5. To Hillary Clinton (who I assume knows Tae Kwon Do), don't kick Bill Richardson in the head because he endorsed Obama and not you.
6. Do pass the baton cleanly (major metaphor). Let's not have a pileup that dashes the hopes of the future and takes out Great Britain too.
(posted a day late)
So the Olympics give way to the Democratic National Convention. Clearly after all that happened in Beijing, the Democrats have a formula for what works and what does not. However, here are a few dos and don'ts I learned the past few weeks.
1. Don't have Michelle Obama's voice dubbed by Beyonce.
2. Do have beach bikini cheerleaders, but situate them far away from President Clinton and the Kennedy family and John Edwards ... Maybe it's not such a great idea.
3. Don't use the Olympic boxing scoring system. You see what happens when you use that system: Dade County, Florida 2000.
4. Do check to see if the delegates are not underage and pretending to be older. Hey is the Chuck Schumer listening to the Jonas Brothers?
5. To Hillary Clinton (who I assume knows Tae Kwon Do), don't kick Bill Richardson in the head because he endorsed Obama and not you.
6. Do pass the baton cleanly (major metaphor). Let's not have a pileup that dashes the hopes of the future and takes out Great Britain too.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The Fantastic Four Food Groups
The Food and Drug Administration decided to allow produce companies to radiate vegetables like spinach and lettuce to kill bacteria. The practice has been allowed for meats for years. So with the food pyramid filling out with a trefoil, sounds like its time to get me some superpowers! "With great fiber comes great responsibility." But what can everyone else look forward to?
1. Glow-in-the-dark guinea pigs.
2. Vegetable stands with nuclear capability.
3. Rabbits that get stronger the madder they get.
4. Complaints from bacteria rights activists.
5. See-through elephants.
6. A lot of armchair dentistry (What with the X-rays and all, get it?).
7. Lead-lined salad tongs.
8. Mushrooms that produce namesake clouds.
9. Popeye going Kosher.
10. Attack of the 50 foot cow.
The Food and Drug Administration decided to allow produce companies to radiate vegetables like spinach and lettuce to kill bacteria. The practice has been allowed for meats for years. So with the food pyramid filling out with a trefoil, sounds like its time to get me some superpowers! "With great fiber comes great responsibility." But what can everyone else look forward to?
1. Glow-in-the-dark guinea pigs.
2. Vegetable stands with nuclear capability.
3. Rabbits that get stronger the madder they get.
4. Complaints from bacteria rights activists.
5. See-through elephants.
6. A lot of armchair dentistry (What with the X-rays and all, get it?).
7. Lead-lined salad tongs.
8. Mushrooms that produce namesake clouds.
9. Popeye going Kosher.
10. Attack of the 50 foot cow.
Friday, August 22, 2008
What I Now Know About Race Walking
Olga Kaniskina won a gold medal but I'm not sure why.
I'm not saying she didn't deserve it for her performance in the 20-km race walk at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. I'm just saying I don't understand what she was doing. What is race walking? This is what I have learned so far from watching it last night.
Good form is when your legs look like noodles collapsing inwards as they are twirled around in a blender. Your feet look like they are desperately trying to avoid hot coals. And if the gold medalist and record setter was any indication, your face must contort into an artistically pained expression of melancholy beauty.
Winning is about resisting the urge to run. I know I would have broken. While the racepack, resembling a bunch of senior citizen penguins jazzercising, trailing Kaniskina by merely feet (or meters, if you prefer), I was waiting for one of the other runners to lose it and just take off. Then all of them would follow suit. It's like when I was a kid in a Catholic school walking from building to building in a straight line. If one of us broke ranks for whatever reason (usually no reason) and took off at full speed, everyone would follow. And we'd all get in trouble (accept for the little butt kissers. You know the ones that respect their elders and go to heaven)
Judges are involved and they hold up little paddles like they were at an auction to warn of rule violations. I question any sport that has judges. Maybe there is Simon Cowell in there being brutally honest, but you might have you share of Paula Abduls watching a whole other ballgame (to mix sports metaphors).
Though not the normal track, the Beijing Olympics race walk track, lined with potted plants, looked like one of those entrances into an Atlantic City Casino.
It took an hour and a half to declare a winner. Shorter than a baseball game, but really had they just run ... (I know, I know it's not allowed).
Olga Kaniskina won a gold medal but I'm not sure why.
I'm not saying she didn't deserve it for her performance in the 20-km race walk at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. I'm just saying I don't understand what she was doing. What is race walking? This is what I have learned so far from watching it last night.
Good form is when your legs look like noodles collapsing inwards as they are twirled around in a blender. Your feet look like they are desperately trying to avoid hot coals. And if the gold medalist and record setter was any indication, your face must contort into an artistically pained expression of melancholy beauty.
Winning is about resisting the urge to run. I know I would have broken. While the racepack, resembling a bunch of senior citizen penguins jazzercising, trailing Kaniskina by merely feet (or meters, if you prefer), I was waiting for one of the other runners to lose it and just take off. Then all of them would follow suit. It's like when I was a kid in a Catholic school walking from building to building in a straight line. If one of us broke ranks for whatever reason (usually no reason) and took off at full speed, everyone would follow. And we'd all get in trouble (accept for the little butt kissers. You know the ones that respect their elders and go to heaven)
Judges are involved and they hold up little paddles like they were at an auction to warn of rule violations. I question any sport that has judges. Maybe there is Simon Cowell in there being brutally honest, but you might have you share of Paula Abduls watching a whole other ballgame (to mix sports metaphors).
Though not the normal track, the Beijing Olympics race walk track, lined with potted plants, looked like one of those entrances into an Atlantic City Casino.
It took an hour and a half to declare a winner. Shorter than a baseball game, but really had they just run ... (I know, I know it's not allowed).
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Where are all the White Spaces At?
Like most Americans, I enjoy being informed about an issue I never heard of involving elements that I didn't even know existed. Then, when one side of the debate (the one that gets to me first) explains the issue, nee tells me what to think, then I get riled. Thank goodness Google has launched a campaign and matching website called Free the AirWaves to inform me that my White Spaces are being kept from me.
White Spaces are TV channels set aside to protect existing channels' signals from interfering with one another. They're buffers, the same way Georgia was for the British and Spanish colonies and Larry Fine was for Moe and Curly of the Three Stooges.
Companies like Google and Motorla want to use these channels when TV goes digital to broadcast for wireless Internet connections. Broadcasters fear that such usage would interfere with the signals they still use. It reminds me of a local long-standing tradition of developers buying up land that once housed one home and squeezing two or three buildings onto the same piece of property. You know what they say two's company but three's a crowd but over 20 thousand in a three-mile radius is a village.
So why side with Google then? Well, just visit the Google sponsored site to find out. First, Google simply wants to "Free the Airwaves." Those poor airwaves, caged that way. It's unnatural. I prefer my air waves Free Range or Kosher. Secondly, "Google cares." It says so in big blue letters. I'll tell you why they care and it has nothing to do with the money they would make from this venture. Okay, it has a little to do. Well, a lot, but they care because they love us, I can only assume. They care so much that they want us to be involved, and by involved I mean do the work. They want us to make our own videos of support and spread the word. I hate to seem so selfish in light of Google's beenvolance, but what's in it for us?
"It's like Wi-Fi on steroids," said Google co-founder Larry Page to FCC lawyers. Page was then dragged into congressional hearings on major league baseball. Probably not a good idea to make your case by alluding to another illegal and very unpopular issue. Though I'm sure at least one public official, without a sense of irony, thought, "Well, I'm sold!"
According to the Free the Airwaves site, there are many other potential (and more wholesome)benefits. "White spaces could provide America's schools with affordable, mobile, high-speed Internet access." Sure they could. And bus companies could provide free transportation and publishing companies could supply free books, and restaurant chains could donate free food. Boy, remove the word could and education improves exponentially. Also, this will allow for better communication for public safety officials (two-way wrist radios?) and more Internet access especially for out of the reach places (thus, generating support from cults and militias alike).
So give me my White Spaces, whatever it is ot they are. Do something that will make my life better. But don't screw up anything I am already used to. If taht happens, I will be the first to join the anti-White Spaces campaign. I am an American and I am free to be fickle.
Like most Americans, I enjoy being informed about an issue I never heard of involving elements that I didn't even know existed. Then, when one side of the debate (the one that gets to me first) explains the issue, nee tells me what to think, then I get riled. Thank goodness Google has launched a campaign and matching website called Free the AirWaves to inform me that my White Spaces are being kept from me.
White Spaces are TV channels set aside to protect existing channels' signals from interfering with one another. They're buffers, the same way Georgia was for the British and Spanish colonies and Larry Fine was for Moe and Curly of the Three Stooges.
Companies like Google and Motorla want to use these channels when TV goes digital to broadcast for wireless Internet connections. Broadcasters fear that such usage would interfere with the signals they still use. It reminds me of a local long-standing tradition of developers buying up land that once housed one home and squeezing two or three buildings onto the same piece of property. You know what they say two's company but three's a crowd but over 20 thousand in a three-mile radius is a village.
So why side with Google then? Well, just visit the Google sponsored site to find out. First, Google simply wants to "Free the Airwaves." Those poor airwaves, caged that way. It's unnatural. I prefer my air waves Free Range or Kosher. Secondly, "Google cares." It says so in big blue letters. I'll tell you why they care and it has nothing to do with the money they would make from this venture. Okay, it has a little to do. Well, a lot, but they care because they love us, I can only assume. They care so much that they want us to be involved, and by involved I mean do the work. They want us to make our own videos of support and spread the word. I hate to seem so selfish in light of Google's beenvolance, but what's in it for us?
"It's like Wi-Fi on steroids," said Google co-founder Larry Page to FCC lawyers. Page was then dragged into congressional hearings on major league baseball. Probably not a good idea to make your case by alluding to another illegal and very unpopular issue. Though I'm sure at least one public official, without a sense of irony, thought, "Well, I'm sold!"
According to the Free the Airwaves site, there are many other potential (and more wholesome)benefits. "White spaces could provide America's schools with affordable, mobile, high-speed Internet access." Sure they could. And bus companies could provide free transportation and publishing companies could supply free books, and restaurant chains could donate free food. Boy, remove the word could and education improves exponentially. Also, this will allow for better communication for public safety officials (two-way wrist radios?) and more Internet access especially for out of the reach places (thus, generating support from cults and militias alike).
So give me my White Spaces, whatever it is ot they are. Do something that will make my life better. But don't screw up anything I am already used to. If taht happens, I will be the first to join the anti-White Spaces campaign. I am an American and I am free to be fickle.
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Three Worst Dates I Ever Had
Drum roll please ....
3. A rose, a meal and an extra guy. That's right. The girl brought a guy on the date with her. Particularly humiliating was the fact that I had told the waitress table for two and then waited an hour before she showed up.
2. After not sleeping for three days a late night dinner at a place I could only describe as an Italian picnic and drinks at a bar (I'm straight edge) with marketing execs for Drug Companies that extolled the virtues of Hoboken and a soon to be Reality Star and his wife who kept telling my girlfriend that I liked them better than the other couple.
1. Smackdown! After promising to take her family to a (at the time) WWF event at Nassau Coliseum, and after we arrived at the coliseum in her car, my girlfriend decided she didn't want to go in to the event and split. After a loud show where her nephew pressed my hands against his ears for three hours, after a trip to the bathroom covered in vomit, we went outside and my girlfriend revealed that she had dropped me and her family to go on a date with another guy who she brought with her to meet me (lightening strikes twice). After a fight where she ordered me to get int the car, I, with my Scooby Doo backpack (a Christmas gift from my girlfriend) thrown over my shoulder, walked back to Mineola in the rain while limousines filled with wrestlers drove by.
Drum roll please ....
3. A rose, a meal and an extra guy. That's right. The girl brought a guy on the date with her. Particularly humiliating was the fact that I had told the waitress table for two and then waited an hour before she showed up.
2. After not sleeping for three days a late night dinner at a place I could only describe as an Italian picnic and drinks at a bar (I'm straight edge) with marketing execs for Drug Companies that extolled the virtues of Hoboken and a soon to be Reality Star and his wife who kept telling my girlfriend that I liked them better than the other couple.
1. Smackdown! After promising to take her family to a (at the time) WWF event at Nassau Coliseum, and after we arrived at the coliseum in her car, my girlfriend decided she didn't want to go in to the event and split. After a loud show where her nephew pressed my hands against his ears for three hours, after a trip to the bathroom covered in vomit, we went outside and my girlfriend revealed that she had dropped me and her family to go on a date with another guy who she brought with her to meet me (lightening strikes twice). After a fight where she ordered me to get int the car, I, with my Scooby Doo backpack (a Christmas gift from my girlfriend) thrown over my shoulder, walked back to Mineola in the rain while limousines filled with wrestlers drove by.
My five most Romantic dates:
Here's a sweet journey down memory lane and a set-up for my next post.
1. Watching the Disney movie Tarzan and then sitting in the trees with my "Jane."
2. A tour of the Hindu exhibits of the Metropolitan Museum of Art with a sweet and sensitive Brahman class girl, who made the imagery understandable and relevant.
3. Karaoke Night at a Manhattan Japanese restaurant where I was put on the spot to entertain a bunch of people I didn't know and wowed them with everything from David Bowie to Cher.
4. Learning to do the the Hustle by videotape in a living room in Long Beach.
5. A homemade dinner in Chelsea with the girl of my dreams.
Here's a sweet journey down memory lane and a set-up for my next post.
1. Watching the Disney movie Tarzan and then sitting in the trees with my "Jane."
2. A tour of the Hindu exhibits of the Metropolitan Museum of Art with a sweet and sensitive Brahman class girl, who made the imagery understandable and relevant.
3. Karaoke Night at a Manhattan Japanese restaurant where I was put on the spot to entertain a bunch of people I didn't know and wowed them with everything from David Bowie to Cher.
4. Learning to do the the Hustle by videotape in a living room in Long Beach.
5. A homemade dinner in Chelsea with the girl of my dreams.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Fortune Cookies
I'm an aspiring writer. For me to get to the point where I can author a great novel I have to learn how to write a story. To get to that point, I have to be able to write a scene and to craft a wonderful scene I need practice with single lines. Every word is important. With that in mind I will not attempt to impart wisdom and stir emotions by composing in a form of literature known for brevity and potency: fortune cookie fortunes.
1. Good days lie ahead ... not necessarily for you.
2. It's always darkest before the dawn, but you'll never see the dawn if you are devoured by Vampires.
3. Every cloud has a silver lining, probably because of pollution.
4. You love your wife and so does the mailman from about noon to one every Wednesday.
5. You have friends ... they just don't like you very much.
6. You can't go home again ... your mother changed the locks.
7. Lies will be your undoing, unless I'm lying to you now.
8. The sun smiles every time it sees you, because to it, you are funny looking.
I'm an aspiring writer. For me to get to the point where I can author a great novel I have to learn how to write a story. To get to that point, I have to be able to write a scene and to craft a wonderful scene I need practice with single lines. Every word is important. With that in mind I will not attempt to impart wisdom and stir emotions by composing in a form of literature known for brevity and potency: fortune cookie fortunes.
1. Good days lie ahead ... not necessarily for you.
2. It's always darkest before the dawn, but you'll never see the dawn if you are devoured by Vampires.
3. Every cloud has a silver lining, probably because of pollution.
4. You love your wife and so does the mailman from about noon to one every Wednesday.
5. You have friends ... they just don't like you very much.
6. You can't go home again ... your mother changed the locks.
7. Lies will be your undoing, unless I'm lying to you now.
8. The sun smiles every time it sees you, because to it, you are funny looking.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Mistakes ... I've Made a Few
I came home from work to find that the power was out. So I went to visit my grandmother and we watched the Olympics. That is until her power went out. When I looked out the window I saw a truck from the power company drive by. I'm guessing they were out to fix the first problem and made it a little worse. I imagined the unseen drama and shared it with my grandmother, "'Hey Bob, I think I got it! Snip. Flash! Darkness. Oops."
Today a student and I were discussing famous quotes on the subject of failure. Many of the quotes addressed the idea that failing is a huge part of success. "Why do we fall down Master Wayne? So we can get right back up again," said Alfred in Batman Begins. Mistakes are a part of the learning process, an important part that led to evolution of man, according to some anthropologists. If a caveman made the mistake of walking into a cave with a hungry bear, you can bet his mind took as many notes as possible so he'd never repeat the mistake. In fact if he had forgotten, he'd be eaten and where would that leave us today? (Without great cartoons like the Flintstones and Captain Caveman, that's where.) Today there are fewer bear incidents, but there are still pressure situations.
Poor Alicia Sacramone fell twice during the Women's Gymnastics finals at the Olympics. They say she cost her team the gold medal. However, I guarantee that she has insight into floor exercises and the balance beam that could benefit generations of gymnasts to come. Though with an education at Brown university and the dubious distinction of Internet "hottie" according to Foxnews, she may pursue other career options. I hope she includes teaching among them.
I've made so many mistakes and remember pretty much every single one of them in excruciating detail, everything from putting my foot in my mouth (see entry Things Not to Say at a Wake) to getting lost in New York City (where the streets are numbered). I wish for a time machine after the fact or a crystal ball before. I don't have those, but what I do have are stories. Lots and lots of embarrassing but funny stories. Lots of anecdotes to share with kids who think their lives are ruined when they fail a test or anger a friend. And the true irony is that the more I tell my students how many times I got it wrong, the more they tell me how smart I am.
So I should forgive myself, and certainly forgive others for their mistakes. It's just part of the learning process. Like the power guys. They learned and they got it right. My grandmother's lights went back on and so did mine. And best of all, I have a new story to share with my students.
I came home from work to find that the power was out. So I went to visit my grandmother and we watched the Olympics. That is until her power went out. When I looked out the window I saw a truck from the power company drive by. I'm guessing they were out to fix the first problem and made it a little worse. I imagined the unseen drama and shared it with my grandmother, "'Hey Bob, I think I got it! Snip. Flash! Darkness. Oops."
Today a student and I were discussing famous quotes on the subject of failure. Many of the quotes addressed the idea that failing is a huge part of success. "Why do we fall down Master Wayne? So we can get right back up again," said Alfred in Batman Begins. Mistakes are a part of the learning process, an important part that led to evolution of man, according to some anthropologists. If a caveman made the mistake of walking into a cave with a hungry bear, you can bet his mind took as many notes as possible so he'd never repeat the mistake. In fact if he had forgotten, he'd be eaten and where would that leave us today? (Without great cartoons like the Flintstones and Captain Caveman, that's where.) Today there are fewer bear incidents, but there are still pressure situations.
Poor Alicia Sacramone fell twice during the Women's Gymnastics finals at the Olympics. They say she cost her team the gold medal. However, I guarantee that she has insight into floor exercises and the balance beam that could benefit generations of gymnasts to come. Though with an education at Brown university and the dubious distinction of Internet "hottie" according to Foxnews, she may pursue other career options. I hope she includes teaching among them.
I've made so many mistakes and remember pretty much every single one of them in excruciating detail, everything from putting my foot in my mouth (see entry Things Not to Say at a Wake) to getting lost in New York City (where the streets are numbered). I wish for a time machine after the fact or a crystal ball before. I don't have those, but what I do have are stories. Lots and lots of embarrassing but funny stories. Lots of anecdotes to share with kids who think their lives are ruined when they fail a test or anger a friend. And the true irony is that the more I tell my students how many times I got it wrong, the more they tell me how smart I am.
So I should forgive myself, and certainly forgive others for their mistakes. It's just part of the learning process. Like the power guys. They learned and they got it right. My grandmother's lights went back on and so did mine. And best of all, I have a new story to share with my students.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Diagnosis Awkward
On my way to work I saw two adult women crossing the village's major thoroughfare, hand in hand, giggling. I laughed to myself when I replaced the two girls with two friends of mine, both of whom look like they were rejected from the WWE because they were too surly. It got me to thinking, looks aside, why was the image of two men holding hands so funny?
A few weeks ago I visited one of my favorite families. Favorite families are defined as those that feed me willingly. Anyway after dinner, first grader Nicole and two-and-a-half-year-old Samantha thought it would be fun if we played "Ring-Around-the-Rosie." With their mother, an aspiring cage fighter, busy chatting online with other "Mommies who Maim," the pool of players included both little girls, their pushover dad and me. Instantly, Dad grabbed one hand from each girl, and I followed suit making us: boy, girl, boy, girl. There, a perfect circle. Only Nicole wanted to hang with Mommy, so she ditched us. So the circle's membership dwindled to Daddy, me and a very eager-to-play Samantha. Daddy and I looked at each other in a long moment of confusion. Would we? Should we? Hold Hands?
Why the hesitation? Were we so adult? Considering I had stopped by to play video games, talk about comic books and watch cartoons with him, I don't think so. Were we so hetero? Raised on Sesame Street, graduated to Star Trek, we're both down with diversity. In fact, I'm fairly certain had RuPaul been in the middle of us we'd both have felt a lot more comfortable (And a little more fabulous). Ironically, I think what made us feel uncomfortable is that normally we're so comfortable with each other. It's all about context.
If I had challenged him to an arm wrestling match, I don't think there would be any hesitation and that's an embrace that results in flush faces, heavy breathing and a lot of sweating (And earns the approval of your estranged son, as taught by the movie Over the Top). If one of us were hanging on the edge of Mount Rushmore wouldn't the other reach out and drag our good friend to safety? (Just as lawyers for MGM and the Hitchcock estate would drag us to court for stealing an image from North by Northwest).
However, here the context had nothing to do with competition or danger, it had to do with making a little girl happy. So we did it. We felt a little funny, not at all helped by either our singing or our circular swaying. But we did it for Samantha and I for one thank her for it. Years form now when I attend her wedding I fully intend on walking up to her proud papa, reaching out my hand and leading him to the dance floor. My only question is: Who should lead?
On my way to work I saw two adult women crossing the village's major thoroughfare, hand in hand, giggling. I laughed to myself when I replaced the two girls with two friends of mine, both of whom look like they were rejected from the WWE because they were too surly. It got me to thinking, looks aside, why was the image of two men holding hands so funny?
A few weeks ago I visited one of my favorite families. Favorite families are defined as those that feed me willingly. Anyway after dinner, first grader Nicole and two-and-a-half-year-old Samantha thought it would be fun if we played "Ring-Around-the-Rosie." With their mother, an aspiring cage fighter, busy chatting online with other "Mommies who Maim," the pool of players included both little girls, their pushover dad and me. Instantly, Dad grabbed one hand from each girl, and I followed suit making us: boy, girl, boy, girl. There, a perfect circle. Only Nicole wanted to hang with Mommy, so she ditched us. So the circle's membership dwindled to Daddy, me and a very eager-to-play Samantha. Daddy and I looked at each other in a long moment of confusion. Would we? Should we? Hold Hands?
Why the hesitation? Were we so adult? Considering I had stopped by to play video games, talk about comic books and watch cartoons with him, I don't think so. Were we so hetero? Raised on Sesame Street, graduated to Star Trek, we're both down with diversity. In fact, I'm fairly certain had RuPaul been in the middle of us we'd both have felt a lot more comfortable (And a little more fabulous). Ironically, I think what made us feel uncomfortable is that normally we're so comfortable with each other. It's all about context.
If I had challenged him to an arm wrestling match, I don't think there would be any hesitation and that's an embrace that results in flush faces, heavy breathing and a lot of sweating (And earns the approval of your estranged son, as taught by the movie Over the Top). If one of us were hanging on the edge of Mount Rushmore wouldn't the other reach out and drag our good friend to safety? (Just as lawyers for MGM and the Hitchcock estate would drag us to court for stealing an image from North by Northwest).
However, here the context had nothing to do with competition or danger, it had to do with making a little girl happy. So we did it. We felt a little funny, not at all helped by either our singing or our circular swaying. But we did it for Samantha and I for one thank her for it. Years form now when I attend her wedding I fully intend on walking up to her proud papa, reaching out my hand and leading him to the dance floor. My only question is: Who should lead?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Olympic Revelations
Pay no attention to the little girl behind the curtain, to paraphrase the Wizard of Oz. Lin Miaoke, the little pigtailed girl, wowed the world with her rendition of "Ode to the Motherland" (one of my personal karaoke favorites). She beguiled them with her smile, her eyes, everything but the actual singing. That was done by a girl of the same age named Yang Peiyi who was replaced because a state offical felt, in so many words, she wasn't cute enough. I had no idea the ceremonies were being produced by C&C Music Factory (Props to Martha Washington!)
After that the wolrd learned that some of the fireworks were actually visual effects recorded earlier. We should have been tipped off when the cast of Shrek appeared to sing "We are Family."
Hot on the heels of these revelations comes a series of even more shocking "truths" that I have discovered, and by discovered I mean fabricated.
1. In lieu of talc for the gymnasts, they've been using powdered Flubber.
2. The gold medals are not gold. But no, they are not filled with choclate. They're filled with asbestos.
3. They're not even in China. The whole thing is being held in a Holiday Inn in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
4. Several of the countries don't even exist. Beware any teams from countries like Awesomestrailia or Francine. They're fake, comprised of actors. In fact, if you look closely, the Luxembourg team is made up of former cast members of Law & Order.
5. Some of the medals are being decided by closed-door Guitar Hero tournaments.
6. They ran out of water for the events on the first day and have been faking it ever since.
Pay no attention to the little girl behind the curtain, to paraphrase the Wizard of Oz. Lin Miaoke, the little pigtailed girl, wowed the world with her rendition of "Ode to the Motherland" (one of my personal karaoke favorites). She beguiled them with her smile, her eyes, everything but the actual singing. That was done by a girl of the same age named Yang Peiyi who was replaced because a state offical felt, in so many words, she wasn't cute enough. I had no idea the ceremonies were being produced by C&C Music Factory (Props to Martha Washington!)
After that the wolrd learned that some of the fireworks were actually visual effects recorded earlier. We should have been tipped off when the cast of Shrek appeared to sing "We are Family."
Hot on the heels of these revelations comes a series of even more shocking "truths" that I have discovered, and by discovered I mean fabricated.
1. In lieu of talc for the gymnasts, they've been using powdered Flubber.
2. The gold medals are not gold. But no, they are not filled with choclate. They're filled with asbestos.
3. They're not even in China. The whole thing is being held in a Holiday Inn in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
4. Several of the countries don't even exist. Beware any teams from countries like Awesomestrailia or Francine. They're fake, comprised of actors. In fact, if you look closely, the Luxembourg team is made up of former cast members of Law & Order.
5. Some of the medals are being decided by closed-door Guitar Hero tournaments.
6. They ran out of water for the events on the first day and have been faking it ever since.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Things Not to Say at a Wake
I'm Irish and therefore no stranger to wakes, funerals and cemeteries (even worked in one for a summer). I'm also a teacher and a writer, so you'd think with all the experience and all the tools I'd be able to choose the right words in a somber situation like a wake. Not the case. So the following is a list of things you should not say to any bereaved:
1. How's it going?
2. What's new?
3. Did he have work done? (In reference to the deceased)
4. Well, there's one less Christmas present you have to worry about.
5. He's never looked better. (in reference to the deceased)
6. Singing Madonna's Causing a Commotion in an alternating duet in the back of a limo on the way to the cemetery. (It made perfect sense at the time.)
I'm Irish and therefore no stranger to wakes, funerals and cemeteries (even worked in one for a summer). I'm also a teacher and a writer, so you'd think with all the experience and all the tools I'd be able to choose the right words in a somber situation like a wake. Not the case. So the following is a list of things you should not say to any bereaved:
1. How's it going?
2. What's new?
3. Did he have work done? (In reference to the deceased)
4. Well, there's one less Christmas present you have to worry about.
5. He's never looked better. (in reference to the deceased)
6. Singing Madonna's Causing a Commotion in an alternating duet in the back of a limo on the way to the cemetery. (It made perfect sense at the time.)
Monday, August 11, 2008
Olympics: The Silver Lining in the Cloud of Failure
My heart sank at the sight of a young woman, crestfallen, after she had given everything she had in the race of her life only to come up short. Like a Scarlett Letter, she will wear her failure on her chest, but instead of an embroidered "A" she will wear a medal. A silver medal. An Olympic silver medal. Apparently, it is the worst souvenir you can get from these Olympic events."You're either first or last," says Reese Bobby (the awesome Gary Cole) to his son, an adolescent Ricky Bobby, in the movie Talladega Nights. That philosophy, though not invented by the movie, sure has caught on.
I won a third place bowling trophy in Cub Scouts, still not sure how. I think it had to do with the fact that my father, who did not bowl, scored the game, and I'm sure, when in doubt, rounded up. At the time, I got a kick out of it. Little did I know that it was the worst insult I could have been given. In an episode of The Simpsons (Best Show Ever), the third place medal is referred to as "shameful bronze." But that goes a few years back and with inflation being what it was, now silver is the embarrassment medal. I mean when you think of it Bronze winners should be beaten with their medals.
Even gold's value has dropped. The US swim team's upset of the French in the 4 X 100 was by many accounts, including my own, a phenomenally exciting race with a conclusion that was heart-stopping and pants-dropping (Easy Mr. Phelps, there are children in the audience). However, even while the race was underway, commentators were talking about Michael Phelp's quest for eight gold medals. Eight gold Medals!!! Phelps already has a six Gold medals from the last Olympics.
After the French team lost, that is came in second, they looked devastated. Of course a member of their team had conveniently run off at the mouth, effectively making them the Apollo Creed of Rocky 2 (Not Rocky 1. He won in that movie). They were the villain that made the race all the more exciting, which is after all the point. And many do get it. Dara Torres is celebrating her silver. The Chinese Basketball Team looked downright ecstatic after their competitive loss to the US.
The fun is still there if you drown out the ambient chatter (or like me, goof on it relentlessly). Even Ricky Bobby learned that after he reunited with his dad in adulthood. When Ricky quotes his father's advice, his father tells him he's crazy. There are lots of places other than first or last. There's second, third, fifth. You know what? He's right.
My heart sank at the sight of a young woman, crestfallen, after she had given everything she had in the race of her life only to come up short. Like a Scarlett Letter, she will wear her failure on her chest, but instead of an embroidered "A" she will wear a medal. A silver medal. An Olympic silver medal. Apparently, it is the worst souvenir you can get from these Olympic events."You're either first or last," says Reese Bobby (the awesome Gary Cole) to his son, an adolescent Ricky Bobby, in the movie Talladega Nights. That philosophy, though not invented by the movie, sure has caught on.
I won a third place bowling trophy in Cub Scouts, still not sure how. I think it had to do with the fact that my father, who did not bowl, scored the game, and I'm sure, when in doubt, rounded up. At the time, I got a kick out of it. Little did I know that it was the worst insult I could have been given. In an episode of The Simpsons (Best Show Ever), the third place medal is referred to as "shameful bronze." But that goes a few years back and with inflation being what it was, now silver is the embarrassment medal. I mean when you think of it Bronze winners should be beaten with their medals.
Even gold's value has dropped. The US swim team's upset of the French in the 4 X 100 was by many accounts, including my own, a phenomenally exciting race with a conclusion that was heart-stopping and pants-dropping (Easy Mr. Phelps, there are children in the audience). However, even while the race was underway, commentators were talking about Michael Phelp's quest for eight gold medals. Eight gold Medals!!! Phelps already has a six Gold medals from the last Olympics.
After the French team lost, that is came in second, they looked devastated. Of course a member of their team had conveniently run off at the mouth, effectively making them the Apollo Creed of Rocky 2 (Not Rocky 1. He won in that movie). They were the villain that made the race all the more exciting, which is after all the point. And many do get it. Dara Torres is celebrating her silver. The Chinese Basketball Team looked downright ecstatic after their competitive loss to the US.
The fun is still there if you drown out the ambient chatter (or like me, goof on it relentlessly). Even Ricky Bobby learned that after he reunited with his dad in adulthood. When Ricky quotes his father's advice, his father tells him he's crazy. There are lots of places other than first or last. There's second, third, fifth. You know what? He's right.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
More Olympic Observations
1. Isn't it a little misleading to call them the US Women's Gymnastics Team when they all look like they're active members of the Hannah Montana Fan Club?
2. Speaking of youth, there's a 15-year-old swimmer named Elizabeth Beisel representing the US and a 14-year-old diver named Tom Daley representing Great Britain. You know, I've always said, "Teens: They just don't have enough pressure on them." Wait, until you see the altitude on the 8-year-old pole vaulter.
Edit: This just in China's Women's Gymnastics team is comprised entirely of toddlers.
3. After the win against China, Lebron James commented that this was the biggest stage he's played on so far. So far? I guess he plans to play in some sort of intergalactic tournament. Beware the High Flying Venutian team.
4. Isn't it crazy how I have a passing interest in Men's Volleyball but seek out Women's Volleyball? And isn't it crazier that I like Women's Volleyball, but love Women's Beach Volleyball. In completely unrelated news, I am a heterosexual man.
5. Remember when the fun of the Olympics included guessing who was going to be on the Wheaties box and who was going to replace Larry Wilcox on Chips? (Bruce Jenner has both honors) Now the guessing game includes categories like:
Who's doping?
Who's going to Dance with the Stars?
Who will pose for Playboy?
Who will do Claritin ads in roughly 12 years? (Nice to see Shannon Miller again)
1. Isn't it a little misleading to call them the US Women's Gymnastics Team when they all look like they're active members of the Hannah Montana Fan Club?
2. Speaking of youth, there's a 15-year-old swimmer named Elizabeth Beisel representing the US and a 14-year-old diver named Tom Daley representing Great Britain. You know, I've always said, "Teens: They just don't have enough pressure on them." Wait, until you see the altitude on the 8-year-old pole vaulter.
Edit: This just in China's Women's Gymnastics team is comprised entirely of toddlers.
3. After the win against China, Lebron James commented that this was the biggest stage he's played on so far. So far? I guess he plans to play in some sort of intergalactic tournament. Beware the High Flying Venutian team.
4. Isn't it crazy how I have a passing interest in Men's Volleyball but seek out Women's Volleyball? And isn't it crazier that I like Women's Volleyball, but love Women's Beach Volleyball. In completely unrelated news, I am a heterosexual man.
5. Remember when the fun of the Olympics included guessing who was going to be on the Wheaties box and who was going to replace Larry Wilcox on Chips? (Bruce Jenner has both honors) Now the guessing game includes categories like:
Who's doping?
Who's going to Dance with the Stars?
Who will pose for Playboy?
Who will do Claritin ads in roughly 12 years? (Nice to see Shannon Miller again)
My favorite things about the Beijing Olympics so far:
1. On Saturday I noticed that there are Olympic officials whose sole purpose is to stare at the female swimmers as they adjust their suits. I wonder what the qualifications are for the job? I bet the hiring committee scanned resumes for words like "leering" and "creepy." What's the Chinese equivalent of Peeping Tom?
2. The Birdnest design of the stadium. Though I offer some words of caution: So close to Japan, I feel like you're just asking for trouble from Rodan.
3. The Wily Bongo (For all you Bob Costas fans out there)
4. Whenever you can fit a country's Olympic contingent in your MINI Cooper.
5. Iran following Iraq in the parade. That gave me a wonderful idea where each country could be paired off with their centuries old enemy and then walked in together to an instrumental version of "It Had to Be You." Greece and Turkey, England and Ireland, Pakistan and India, etc. I know the Olympics embody a spirit of peace, but remember, baby steps.
6. Jim Lampley's Geography. After the Latvian men's beach volleyball team upset the US, NBC sports commentator and Olympic host Jim Lampley wondered aloud what surprise winners would we see next: "Siberia, Antarctica." That would be quite a feat as neither of which are actually countries.
1. On Saturday I noticed that there are Olympic officials whose sole purpose is to stare at the female swimmers as they adjust their suits. I wonder what the qualifications are for the job? I bet the hiring committee scanned resumes for words like "leering" and "creepy." What's the Chinese equivalent of Peeping Tom?
2. The Birdnest design of the stadium. Though I offer some words of caution: So close to Japan, I feel like you're just asking for trouble from Rodan.
3. The Wily Bongo (For all you Bob Costas fans out there)
4. Whenever you can fit a country's Olympic contingent in your MINI Cooper.
5. Iran following Iraq in the parade. That gave me a wonderful idea where each country could be paired off with their centuries old enemy and then walked in together to an instrumental version of "It Had to Be You." Greece and Turkey, England and Ireland, Pakistan and India, etc. I know the Olympics embody a spirit of peace, but remember, baby steps.
6. Jim Lampley's Geography. After the Latvian men's beach volleyball team upset the US, NBC sports commentator and Olympic host Jim Lampley wondered aloud what surprise winners would we see next: "Siberia, Antarctica." That would be quite a feat as neither of which are actually countries.
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