Endangered Animals

Back in 1973, President Richard Nixon signed into law the Endangered Species Act (ESA) which created an Endangered Species List as well as guidelines for government agencies when dealing with habitats containing such animals.

Everyone knows Nixon loved lists whether they be made up of endangered species or political enemies. Prone to poor judgement, Nixon once mixed up his lists. Paul Newman was incarcerated in the San Diego Zoo as a possible mate for Ling Ling, while an American alligator named Toothy had his credit history sullied.

Everyone also knows that Nixon and his administration were sticklers for governmental guidelines. For instance, before E. Howard Hunt broke into the Watergate Hotel, he was told to punch out at five o clock like everyone else and then only afterwards was he able to file his paperwork with accounting requesting overtime.

So why in the world would the Bush administration tamper with Nixon's legacy? (And this is what everyone remembers Nixon for, his love of animals). Why would they consider changing the laws in place?

First reason, "Mission Accomplished." 99 percent of the list is still in existence. You couldn't throw a grizzly bear without hitting a grey wolf. Both of which would probably eat you if you tried. And that's my point. This is the thanks we get! After all those years of foregoing juicy Ozark big-eared bat steaks and Alabama beach mouse over mitts? Let's show them who's boss and thin the heard (do they come in herds?)

Another reason for the changes, two words: Chatty Cathys. Talk, talk talk, that's all these agencies ever want to do. Plan, think, devise: all words that get in the way of a microwavable, wireless, downloadable society. I mean how long do I have to wait for this bridge to be built, I have a pedicure at two. This isn't rocket science! Though many of the same principals are involved.

And I think everyone is a little sick and tired of the US Fish and Wildlife Service acting like big shots. Who are they anyway, my mom, or scientists or experts? What are you going to do about it anyway? Bait a hook for me! Ha Ha. Hey! Look at this shiny worm floating on the water. Oww!!

So Nixon's Endangered Species List is endangered because basically the animals are fine. They'll adapt. They're Americans after all. I just hope they don't figure out how to lobby.

Poor Nixon, another of his accomplishments forgotten. And to think some of his vaunted endangered species are also included on the Red List of Threatened Species put out by the International Union for Conservation of Nature. In his own camp, Reds? He's probably rolling in his grave.

Maverick finds his Goose, but Hopefully Doesn't Goose his Find

Barely containing his despise for Katie Couric, Bob Schaffer told her on the CBS Evening News that John McCain's choice of running mate was reminiscent of McCain's old "maverick" style (More TV's Maverick James Garner, less Tom Cruise in Top Gun). So let's define Maverick by breaking down the choice of Sarah Palin.

1. She's woman. Say ... isn't that a coincidence? Why just a few weeks ago a prominent woman was running in the other party. She didn't get picked now there is some word that her supporters are pretty peeved. I guess Maverick is synonymous with Serendipitous.

2. She appeals to working class men. This makes me laugh when coupled with the description of her as a former beauty queen. She is an attractive woman, but it's like they're asking those blue collar men, "Who would you rather see in a swimsuit competition, her or Joe Biden?" My response of course would be, "Well, will they be wearing a one-piece or two-?" Maverick means horny. Other famous Mavericks include Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione and President Bill Clinton.

3. She's an NRA member (a group McCain has sewn up), anti abortion (voting for McCain anyway), and from Alaska (a well-known Red State.) Maverick means "redundant." And by redundant I mean not needed because it is already covered (A little evergreen redundancy joke for you).

4. She's young and a novice when it comes to world politics. Sound like anyone else in the campaign? Someone who has a great deal of popularity and gets attacked for these same reasons? Maverick means jealous. A Maverick wants a ticket considered too old and too young, too insider and too outsider, too man and too woman, too hot (Arizona) and too cold (Alaska). The bumper stickers should be the two of them contorted into a yin yang.

5. She's being investigated for a scandal in which she was pressuring people to fire her ex-brother in law. Maverick, like TNT means Drama!

6. She's a self described Hockey mom. And what sport is more popular in the US than hockey? Other than Baseball and Football and Basketball, Golf, Volleyball, Gymnastics, Swimming, Bowling, (752 other sports deleted for space ) ... Skeet shooting, a Spelling Bee, Tiddlywinks. But after those, Hockey is the Game! At least, he'll win over all those Canadian expatriates. Maverick means longshot.

Runners Up: Olympic Lessons for the Democrats
(posted a day late)

So the Olympics give way to the Democratic National Convention. Clearly after all that happened in Beijing, the Democrats have a formula for what works and what does not. However, here are a few dos and don'ts I learned the past few weeks.

1. Don't have Michelle Obama's voice dubbed by Beyonce.

2. Do have beach bikini cheerleaders, but situate them far away from President Clinton and the Kennedy family and John Edwards ... Maybe it's not such a great idea.

3. Don't use the Olympic boxing scoring system. You see what happens when you use that system: Dade County, Florida 2000.

4. Do check to see if the delegates are not underage and pretending to be older. Hey is the Chuck Schumer listening to the Jonas Brothers?

5. To Hillary Clinton (who I assume knows Tae Kwon Do), don't kick Bill Richardson in the head because he endorsed Obama and not you.

6. Do pass the baton cleanly (major metaphor). Let's not have a pileup that dashes the hopes of the future and takes out Great Britain too.