The Recess will not be Televised
Nearly 1,000 Chicago students cut school the past two days in protest of unequal school funding. Wow! Skip school? The protest organizers really knew how to light a fire under their constituency. Here is a list of other other forms of protest that are being considered.
1. Fasts where the children are allowed only to eat candy.
2. Sit-ins in front of televisions showing 24 hour loops of High School Musical.
3. Tying themselves to their Wiis with remotes.
4. Protests songs written by Miley Cyrus.
5. Boycotting dentist's offices and vegetables.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
It's in his Genes to Get in her Jeans
A study done on Swedish men discovered what researchers refer to as a monogamy gene. It is closely related to the boring gene, the nerd gene and the "Got no game" gene.
According to the study, if a man had double the normal allotment for allele 334, then he was less likely to be married (think George Clooney) and if he were married, then look out! It's John Edwards Syndrome. Symptoms include massive insensitivity, delusions of grandeur, obsessive hair maintenance and indiscriminate staff schtuping.
Should women married to these men be worried? People who believe in free will say no. Determinists say, "You married him, stupid."
But many simply believe that those men are not destined to cheat, but rather have a more difficult time staying monogamous. I find having a face like a meteor and a job that requires a paper hat helps with monogamy. Not unrelated, one can insure celibacy by asking for the woman to pick up the tab on a date (particularly with the stipulation that you are a big tipper) and not only living with your parents but sleeping in their bed.
What should a woman do if her husband is one of these men? Here are some simple suggestions. Remove suggestive materials: DVDs, computer programs, men's magazines, books, catalogs, windows that look out on the world. You know what, blind your husband. Just gouge his eyes out.
Also stay away from places like nudist colonies, beaches and pools. Also steer clear of clubs, bars, restaurants, church, his job and your job, meet the teacher night, the hospital, parks, inside, outside anywhere women are known to exist. Perhaps relocation is the answer. Think parts of Alaska or Mars.
But a final word to the women at this trying time --Told you so. It's all natural baby. That time you caught your man in the back of his car with his secretary--Science. Or the time in the back of his office with his accountant -- Science. Or that time on your birthday in you r bed with your sister and your mother -- It was simply science in action.
Next time whip out a pencil and pad and take notes. You might learn something. But you stay faithful, of course, because otherwise would be unnatural -- until science proves otherwise. But I think science has done enough for today and on this subject. So give it a rest science. And girlfriends -- keep your eye out for that wandering eye.
A study done on Swedish men discovered what researchers refer to as a monogamy gene. It is closely related to the boring gene, the nerd gene and the "Got no game" gene.
According to the study, if a man had double the normal allotment for allele 334, then he was less likely to be married (think George Clooney) and if he were married, then look out! It's John Edwards Syndrome. Symptoms include massive insensitivity, delusions of grandeur, obsessive hair maintenance and indiscriminate staff schtuping.
Should women married to these men be worried? People who believe in free will say no. Determinists say, "You married him, stupid."
But many simply believe that those men are not destined to cheat, but rather have a more difficult time staying monogamous. I find having a face like a meteor and a job that requires a paper hat helps with monogamy. Not unrelated, one can insure celibacy by asking for the woman to pick up the tab on a date (particularly with the stipulation that you are a big tipper) and not only living with your parents but sleeping in their bed.
What should a woman do if her husband is one of these men? Here are some simple suggestions. Remove suggestive materials: DVDs, computer programs, men's magazines, books, catalogs, windows that look out on the world. You know what, blind your husband. Just gouge his eyes out.
Also stay away from places like nudist colonies, beaches and pools. Also steer clear of clubs, bars, restaurants, church, his job and your job, meet the teacher night, the hospital, parks, inside, outside anywhere women are known to exist. Perhaps relocation is the answer. Think parts of Alaska or Mars.
But a final word to the women at this trying time --Told you so. It's all natural baby. That time you caught your man in the back of his car with his secretary--Science. Or the time in the back of his office with his accountant -- Science. Or that time on your birthday in you r bed with your sister and your mother -- It was simply science in action.
Next time whip out a pencil and pad and take notes. You might learn something. But you stay faithful, of course, because otherwise would be unnatural -- until science proves otherwise. But I think science has done enough for today and on this subject. So give it a rest science. And girlfriends -- keep your eye out for that wandering eye.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Come to Bury the Cads of Cadbury
Time magazine recently (September 8) ran a story about the woes of one Cadbury Schweppes. Two great tastes that don't go great together. What was collectively referred to as a confectioner, aka sugar pusher, stumbled in competition with the mighty PepsiCo not to be confused with Oscorp which was run by the Green Goblin.
So Cadbury spun off the soft drink wing as Dr. Pepper Snapple Group and at the same time renamed itself Cadbury, much the way Mariah Carey renamed herself Mimi after leaving Tommy Mottola.
Divorce is always hardest on the kids. I'm sure many a bunny is in therapy blaming itself for the break-up. But Cadbury is responsible. It's braintrust, and I use the term loosely, worked out deals that gave them few to no rights in the distribution of their own product. And Cadbury takes responsibility, but not necessarily for things it should.
On its website under "Responsibilities" (How clever), one can find that they are members of Purple Goes Green and the Cadbury Cocoa Partnership. Though both sound like Gay Rights groups, Purple Goes Green is an oddly worded "commitment to climate change." I guess they're candy will come coated in SPF 50. However, they do plan on reducing their carbon footprint. How noble considering every "target" (reducing packaging, reducing energy use) is, at this time, an amendable plan. Not only that, but these plans would actually save them money.
On the other hand, the Partnership is "a ground-breaking initiative to secure the economic, social and environmental sustainability of around a million cocoa farmers and their communities in Ghana, India, Indonesia and the Caribbean." Sustainability? Talk about setting the bar low. Why not call it the Partnership to Insure Mediocrity. At least their pledge isn't to destroy all who get in their way. Again its a coincidence that this helps their bottom line, right? You can't harvest cocoa if the fields are a battleground or all the workers are busy farming food to eat to live. So in a roundabout way they do care about people, just not the people who work for them.
CEO Todd Stitizer plans on cutting 15% of the company's workforce over the next four years. So maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow (It's so considerate to drag it out), but someday the people who have labored to make the company work, not the ones who made the bad business decisions, we'll be handed Bubblicious Pink Slips and told to blow.
Why the mass firings --a 4% to 6% growth in annual revenue. That's right a whole nickel for every dollar. And a jump in profit margin from 10 to what is cloyingly described as the midteens.
Should I have expected anything less from a company founded in 1824 by John Cadbury, a Quaker? That is what we think of when we think of Quakers, cutthroat business men. And oatmeal. I guess the whole paying for Pennsylvania was anomalous. You know Pennsylvania, home to Philadelphia, The City of Brotherly Love. Unless you are Santa at an Eagles game or comedian Bill Burr at an O&A comedy show. So how do you rectify such behavior?
I guess the good, outweighs the bad. Mr. Stitzer tells Time Magazine, "We sell small moments of pleasure--small treats that are affordable in most circumstances." Not to the people who are out of work. It's unfortunate because I bet they could really use a pick me up right about now.
Time magazine recently (September 8) ran a story about the woes of one Cadbury Schweppes. Two great tastes that don't go great together. What was collectively referred to as a confectioner, aka sugar pusher, stumbled in competition with the mighty PepsiCo not to be confused with Oscorp which was run by the Green Goblin.
So Cadbury spun off the soft drink wing as Dr. Pepper Snapple Group and at the same time renamed itself Cadbury, much the way Mariah Carey renamed herself Mimi after leaving Tommy Mottola.
Divorce is always hardest on the kids. I'm sure many a bunny is in therapy blaming itself for the break-up. But Cadbury is responsible. It's braintrust, and I use the term loosely, worked out deals that gave them few to no rights in the distribution of their own product. And Cadbury takes responsibility, but not necessarily for things it should.
On its website under "Responsibilities" (How clever), one can find that they are members of Purple Goes Green and the Cadbury Cocoa Partnership. Though both sound like Gay Rights groups, Purple Goes Green is an oddly worded "commitment to climate change." I guess they're candy will come coated in SPF 50. However, they do plan on reducing their carbon footprint. How noble considering every "target" (reducing packaging, reducing energy use) is, at this time, an amendable plan. Not only that, but these plans would actually save them money.
On the other hand, the Partnership is "a ground-breaking initiative to secure the economic, social and environmental sustainability of around a million cocoa farmers and their communities in Ghana, India, Indonesia and the Caribbean." Sustainability? Talk about setting the bar low. Why not call it the Partnership to Insure Mediocrity. At least their pledge isn't to destroy all who get in their way. Again its a coincidence that this helps their bottom line, right? You can't harvest cocoa if the fields are a battleground or all the workers are busy farming food to eat to live. So in a roundabout way they do care about people, just not the people who work for them.
CEO Todd Stitizer plans on cutting 15% of the company's workforce over the next four years. So maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow (It's so considerate to drag it out), but someday the people who have labored to make the company work, not the ones who made the bad business decisions, we'll be handed Bubblicious Pink Slips and told to blow.
Why the mass firings --a 4% to 6% growth in annual revenue. That's right a whole nickel for every dollar. And a jump in profit margin from 10 to what is cloyingly described as the midteens.
Should I have expected anything less from a company founded in 1824 by John Cadbury, a Quaker? That is what we think of when we think of Quakers, cutthroat business men. And oatmeal. I guess the whole paying for Pennsylvania was anomalous. You know Pennsylvania, home to Philadelphia, The City of Brotherly Love. Unless you are Santa at an Eagles game or comedian Bill Burr at an O&A comedy show. So how do you rectify such behavior?
I guess the good, outweighs the bad. Mr. Stitzer tells Time Magazine, "We sell small moments of pleasure--small treats that are affordable in most circumstances." Not to the people who are out of work. It's unfortunate because I bet they could really use a pick me up right about now.
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