Fortune Cookies
I'm an aspiring writer. For me to get to the point where I can author a great novel I have to learn how to write a story. To get to that point, I have to be able to write a scene and to craft a wonderful scene I need practice with single lines. Every word is important. With that in mind I will not attempt to impart wisdom and stir emotions by composing in a form of literature known for brevity and potency: fortune cookie fortunes.
1. Good days lie ahead ... not necessarily for you.
2. It's always darkest before the dawn, but you'll never see the dawn if you are devoured by Vampires.
3. Every cloud has a silver lining, probably because of pollution.
4. You love your wife and so does the mailman from about noon to one every Wednesday.
5. You have friends ... they just don't like you very much.
6. You can't go home again ... your mother changed the locks.
7. Lies will be your undoing, unless I'm lying to you now.
8. The sun smiles every time it sees you, because to it, you are funny looking.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Mistakes ... I've Made a Few
I came home from work to find that the power was out. So I went to visit my grandmother and we watched the Olympics. That is until her power went out. When I looked out the window I saw a truck from the power company drive by. I'm guessing they were out to fix the first problem and made it a little worse. I imagined the unseen drama and shared it with my grandmother, "'Hey Bob, I think I got it! Snip. Flash! Darkness. Oops."
Today a student and I were discussing famous quotes on the subject of failure. Many of the quotes addressed the idea that failing is a huge part of success. "Why do we fall down Master Wayne? So we can get right back up again," said Alfred in Batman Begins. Mistakes are a part of the learning process, an important part that led to evolution of man, according to some anthropologists. If a caveman made the mistake of walking into a cave with a hungry bear, you can bet his mind took as many notes as possible so he'd never repeat the mistake. In fact if he had forgotten, he'd be eaten and where would that leave us today? (Without great cartoons like the Flintstones and Captain Caveman, that's where.) Today there are fewer bear incidents, but there are still pressure situations.
Poor Alicia Sacramone fell twice during the Women's Gymnastics finals at the Olympics. They say she cost her team the gold medal. However, I guarantee that she has insight into floor exercises and the balance beam that could benefit generations of gymnasts to come. Though with an education at Brown university and the dubious distinction of Internet "hottie" according to Foxnews, she may pursue other career options. I hope she includes teaching among them.
I've made so many mistakes and remember pretty much every single one of them in excruciating detail, everything from putting my foot in my mouth (see entry Things Not to Say at a Wake) to getting lost in New York City (where the streets are numbered). I wish for a time machine after the fact or a crystal ball before. I don't have those, but what I do have are stories. Lots and lots of embarrassing but funny stories. Lots of anecdotes to share with kids who think their lives are ruined when they fail a test or anger a friend. And the true irony is that the more I tell my students how many times I got it wrong, the more they tell me how smart I am.
So I should forgive myself, and certainly forgive others for their mistakes. It's just part of the learning process. Like the power guys. They learned and they got it right. My grandmother's lights went back on and so did mine. And best of all, I have a new story to share with my students.
I came home from work to find that the power was out. So I went to visit my grandmother and we watched the Olympics. That is until her power went out. When I looked out the window I saw a truck from the power company drive by. I'm guessing they were out to fix the first problem and made it a little worse. I imagined the unseen drama and shared it with my grandmother, "'Hey Bob, I think I got it! Snip. Flash! Darkness. Oops."
Today a student and I were discussing famous quotes on the subject of failure. Many of the quotes addressed the idea that failing is a huge part of success. "Why do we fall down Master Wayne? So we can get right back up again," said Alfred in Batman Begins. Mistakes are a part of the learning process, an important part that led to evolution of man, according to some anthropologists. If a caveman made the mistake of walking into a cave with a hungry bear, you can bet his mind took as many notes as possible so he'd never repeat the mistake. In fact if he had forgotten, he'd be eaten and where would that leave us today? (Without great cartoons like the Flintstones and Captain Caveman, that's where.) Today there are fewer bear incidents, but there are still pressure situations.
Poor Alicia Sacramone fell twice during the Women's Gymnastics finals at the Olympics. They say she cost her team the gold medal. However, I guarantee that she has insight into floor exercises and the balance beam that could benefit generations of gymnasts to come. Though with an education at Brown university and the dubious distinction of Internet "hottie" according to Foxnews, she may pursue other career options. I hope she includes teaching among them.
I've made so many mistakes and remember pretty much every single one of them in excruciating detail, everything from putting my foot in my mouth (see entry Things Not to Say at a Wake) to getting lost in New York City (where the streets are numbered). I wish for a time machine after the fact or a crystal ball before. I don't have those, but what I do have are stories. Lots and lots of embarrassing but funny stories. Lots of anecdotes to share with kids who think their lives are ruined when they fail a test or anger a friend. And the true irony is that the more I tell my students how many times I got it wrong, the more they tell me how smart I am.
So I should forgive myself, and certainly forgive others for their mistakes. It's just part of the learning process. Like the power guys. They learned and they got it right. My grandmother's lights went back on and so did mine. And best of all, I have a new story to share with my students.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Diagnosis Awkward
On my way to work I saw two adult women crossing the village's major thoroughfare, hand in hand, giggling. I laughed to myself when I replaced the two girls with two friends of mine, both of whom look like they were rejected from the WWE because they were too surly. It got me to thinking, looks aside, why was the image of two men holding hands so funny?
A few weeks ago I visited one of my favorite families. Favorite families are defined as those that feed me willingly. Anyway after dinner, first grader Nicole and two-and-a-half-year-old Samantha thought it would be fun if we played "Ring-Around-the-Rosie." With their mother, an aspiring cage fighter, busy chatting online with other "Mommies who Maim," the pool of players included both little girls, their pushover dad and me. Instantly, Dad grabbed one hand from each girl, and I followed suit making us: boy, girl, boy, girl. There, a perfect circle. Only Nicole wanted to hang with Mommy, so she ditched us. So the circle's membership dwindled to Daddy, me and a very eager-to-play Samantha. Daddy and I looked at each other in a long moment of confusion. Would we? Should we? Hold Hands?
Why the hesitation? Were we so adult? Considering I had stopped by to play video games, talk about comic books and watch cartoons with him, I don't think so. Were we so hetero? Raised on Sesame Street, graduated to Star Trek, we're both down with diversity. In fact, I'm fairly certain had RuPaul been in the middle of us we'd both have felt a lot more comfortable (And a little more fabulous). Ironically, I think what made us feel uncomfortable is that normally we're so comfortable with each other. It's all about context.
If I had challenged him to an arm wrestling match, I don't think there would be any hesitation and that's an embrace that results in flush faces, heavy breathing and a lot of sweating (And earns the approval of your estranged son, as taught by the movie Over the Top). If one of us were hanging on the edge of Mount Rushmore wouldn't the other reach out and drag our good friend to safety? (Just as lawyers for MGM and the Hitchcock estate would drag us to court for stealing an image from North by Northwest).
However, here the context had nothing to do with competition or danger, it had to do with making a little girl happy. So we did it. We felt a little funny, not at all helped by either our singing or our circular swaying. But we did it for Samantha and I for one thank her for it. Years form now when I attend her wedding I fully intend on walking up to her proud papa, reaching out my hand and leading him to the dance floor. My only question is: Who should lead?
On my way to work I saw two adult women crossing the village's major thoroughfare, hand in hand, giggling. I laughed to myself when I replaced the two girls with two friends of mine, both of whom look like they were rejected from the WWE because they were too surly. It got me to thinking, looks aside, why was the image of two men holding hands so funny?
A few weeks ago I visited one of my favorite families. Favorite families are defined as those that feed me willingly. Anyway after dinner, first grader Nicole and two-and-a-half-year-old Samantha thought it would be fun if we played "Ring-Around-the-Rosie." With their mother, an aspiring cage fighter, busy chatting online with other "Mommies who Maim," the pool of players included both little girls, their pushover dad and me. Instantly, Dad grabbed one hand from each girl, and I followed suit making us: boy, girl, boy, girl. There, a perfect circle. Only Nicole wanted to hang with Mommy, so she ditched us. So the circle's membership dwindled to Daddy, me and a very eager-to-play Samantha. Daddy and I looked at each other in a long moment of confusion. Would we? Should we? Hold Hands?
Why the hesitation? Were we so adult? Considering I had stopped by to play video games, talk about comic books and watch cartoons with him, I don't think so. Were we so hetero? Raised on Sesame Street, graduated to Star Trek, we're both down with diversity. In fact, I'm fairly certain had RuPaul been in the middle of us we'd both have felt a lot more comfortable (And a little more fabulous). Ironically, I think what made us feel uncomfortable is that normally we're so comfortable with each other. It's all about context.
If I had challenged him to an arm wrestling match, I don't think there would be any hesitation and that's an embrace that results in flush faces, heavy breathing and a lot of sweating (And earns the approval of your estranged son, as taught by the movie Over the Top). If one of us were hanging on the edge of Mount Rushmore wouldn't the other reach out and drag our good friend to safety? (Just as lawyers for MGM and the Hitchcock estate would drag us to court for stealing an image from North by Northwest).
However, here the context had nothing to do with competition or danger, it had to do with making a little girl happy. So we did it. We felt a little funny, not at all helped by either our singing or our circular swaying. But we did it for Samantha and I for one thank her for it. Years form now when I attend her wedding I fully intend on walking up to her proud papa, reaching out my hand and leading him to the dance floor. My only question is: Who should lead?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Olympic Revelations
Pay no attention to the little girl behind the curtain, to paraphrase the Wizard of Oz. Lin Miaoke, the little pigtailed girl, wowed the world with her rendition of "Ode to the Motherland" (one of my personal karaoke favorites). She beguiled them with her smile, her eyes, everything but the actual singing. That was done by a girl of the same age named Yang Peiyi who was replaced because a state offical felt, in so many words, she wasn't cute enough. I had no idea the ceremonies were being produced by C&C Music Factory (Props to Martha Washington!)
After that the wolrd learned that some of the fireworks were actually visual effects recorded earlier. We should have been tipped off when the cast of Shrek appeared to sing "We are Family."
Hot on the heels of these revelations comes a series of even more shocking "truths" that I have discovered, and by discovered I mean fabricated.
1. In lieu of talc for the gymnasts, they've been using powdered Flubber.
2. The gold medals are not gold. But no, they are not filled with choclate. They're filled with asbestos.
3. They're not even in China. The whole thing is being held in a Holiday Inn in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
4. Several of the countries don't even exist. Beware any teams from countries like Awesomestrailia or Francine. They're fake, comprised of actors. In fact, if you look closely, the Luxembourg team is made up of former cast members of Law & Order.
5. Some of the medals are being decided by closed-door Guitar Hero tournaments.
6. They ran out of water for the events on the first day and have been faking it ever since.
Pay no attention to the little girl behind the curtain, to paraphrase the Wizard of Oz. Lin Miaoke, the little pigtailed girl, wowed the world with her rendition of "Ode to the Motherland" (one of my personal karaoke favorites). She beguiled them with her smile, her eyes, everything but the actual singing. That was done by a girl of the same age named Yang Peiyi who was replaced because a state offical felt, in so many words, she wasn't cute enough. I had no idea the ceremonies were being produced by C&C Music Factory (Props to Martha Washington!)
After that the wolrd learned that some of the fireworks were actually visual effects recorded earlier. We should have been tipped off when the cast of Shrek appeared to sing "We are Family."
Hot on the heels of these revelations comes a series of even more shocking "truths" that I have discovered, and by discovered I mean fabricated.
1. In lieu of talc for the gymnasts, they've been using powdered Flubber.
2. The gold medals are not gold. But no, they are not filled with choclate. They're filled with asbestos.
3. They're not even in China. The whole thing is being held in a Holiday Inn in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
4. Several of the countries don't even exist. Beware any teams from countries like Awesomestrailia or Francine. They're fake, comprised of actors. In fact, if you look closely, the Luxembourg team is made up of former cast members of Law & Order.
5. Some of the medals are being decided by closed-door Guitar Hero tournaments.
6. They ran out of water for the events on the first day and have been faking it ever since.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Things Not to Say at a Wake
I'm Irish and therefore no stranger to wakes, funerals and cemeteries (even worked in one for a summer). I'm also a teacher and a writer, so you'd think with all the experience and all the tools I'd be able to choose the right words in a somber situation like a wake. Not the case. So the following is a list of things you should not say to any bereaved:
1. How's it going?
2. What's new?
3. Did he have work done? (In reference to the deceased)
4. Well, there's one less Christmas present you have to worry about.
5. He's never looked better. (in reference to the deceased)
6. Singing Madonna's Causing a Commotion in an alternating duet in the back of a limo on the way to the cemetery. (It made perfect sense at the time.)
I'm Irish and therefore no stranger to wakes, funerals and cemeteries (even worked in one for a summer). I'm also a teacher and a writer, so you'd think with all the experience and all the tools I'd be able to choose the right words in a somber situation like a wake. Not the case. So the following is a list of things you should not say to any bereaved:
1. How's it going?
2. What's new?
3. Did he have work done? (In reference to the deceased)
4. Well, there's one less Christmas present you have to worry about.
5. He's never looked better. (in reference to the deceased)
6. Singing Madonna's Causing a Commotion in an alternating duet in the back of a limo on the way to the cemetery. (It made perfect sense at the time.)
Monday, August 11, 2008
Olympics: The Silver Lining in the Cloud of Failure
My heart sank at the sight of a young woman, crestfallen, after she had given everything she had in the race of her life only to come up short. Like a Scarlett Letter, she will wear her failure on her chest, but instead of an embroidered "A" she will wear a medal. A silver medal. An Olympic silver medal. Apparently, it is the worst souvenir you can get from these Olympic events."You're either first or last," says Reese Bobby (the awesome Gary Cole) to his son, an adolescent Ricky Bobby, in the movie Talladega Nights. That philosophy, though not invented by the movie, sure has caught on.
I won a third place bowling trophy in Cub Scouts, still not sure how. I think it had to do with the fact that my father, who did not bowl, scored the game, and I'm sure, when in doubt, rounded up. At the time, I got a kick out of it. Little did I know that it was the worst insult I could have been given. In an episode of The Simpsons (Best Show Ever), the third place medal is referred to as "shameful bronze." But that goes a few years back and with inflation being what it was, now silver is the embarrassment medal. I mean when you think of it Bronze winners should be beaten with their medals.
Even gold's value has dropped. The US swim team's upset of the French in the 4 X 100 was by many accounts, including my own, a phenomenally exciting race with a conclusion that was heart-stopping and pants-dropping (Easy Mr. Phelps, there are children in the audience). However, even while the race was underway, commentators were talking about Michael Phelp's quest for eight gold medals. Eight gold Medals!!! Phelps already has a six Gold medals from the last Olympics.
After the French team lost, that is came in second, they looked devastated. Of course a member of their team had conveniently run off at the mouth, effectively making them the Apollo Creed of Rocky 2 (Not Rocky 1. He won in that movie). They were the villain that made the race all the more exciting, which is after all the point. And many do get it. Dara Torres is celebrating her silver. The Chinese Basketball Team looked downright ecstatic after their competitive loss to the US.
The fun is still there if you drown out the ambient chatter (or like me, goof on it relentlessly). Even Ricky Bobby learned that after he reunited with his dad in adulthood. When Ricky quotes his father's advice, his father tells him he's crazy. There are lots of places other than first or last. There's second, third, fifth. You know what? He's right.
My heart sank at the sight of a young woman, crestfallen, after she had given everything she had in the race of her life only to come up short. Like a Scarlett Letter, she will wear her failure on her chest, but instead of an embroidered "A" she will wear a medal. A silver medal. An Olympic silver medal. Apparently, it is the worst souvenir you can get from these Olympic events."You're either first or last," says Reese Bobby (the awesome Gary Cole) to his son, an adolescent Ricky Bobby, in the movie Talladega Nights. That philosophy, though not invented by the movie, sure has caught on.
I won a third place bowling trophy in Cub Scouts, still not sure how. I think it had to do with the fact that my father, who did not bowl, scored the game, and I'm sure, when in doubt, rounded up. At the time, I got a kick out of it. Little did I know that it was the worst insult I could have been given. In an episode of The Simpsons (Best Show Ever), the third place medal is referred to as "shameful bronze." But that goes a few years back and with inflation being what it was, now silver is the embarrassment medal. I mean when you think of it Bronze winners should be beaten with their medals.
Even gold's value has dropped. The US swim team's upset of the French in the 4 X 100 was by many accounts, including my own, a phenomenally exciting race with a conclusion that was heart-stopping and pants-dropping (Easy Mr. Phelps, there are children in the audience). However, even while the race was underway, commentators were talking about Michael Phelp's quest for eight gold medals. Eight gold Medals!!! Phelps already has a six Gold medals from the last Olympics.
After the French team lost, that is came in second, they looked devastated. Of course a member of their team had conveniently run off at the mouth, effectively making them the Apollo Creed of Rocky 2 (Not Rocky 1. He won in that movie). They were the villain that made the race all the more exciting, which is after all the point. And many do get it. Dara Torres is celebrating her silver. The Chinese Basketball Team looked downright ecstatic after their competitive loss to the US.
The fun is still there if you drown out the ambient chatter (or like me, goof on it relentlessly). Even Ricky Bobby learned that after he reunited with his dad in adulthood. When Ricky quotes his father's advice, his father tells him he's crazy. There are lots of places other than first or last. There's second, third, fifth. You know what? He's right.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
More Olympic Observations
1. Isn't it a little misleading to call them the US Women's Gymnastics Team when they all look like they're active members of the Hannah Montana Fan Club?
2. Speaking of youth, there's a 15-year-old swimmer named Elizabeth Beisel representing the US and a 14-year-old diver named Tom Daley representing Great Britain. You know, I've always said, "Teens: They just don't have enough pressure on them." Wait, until you see the altitude on the 8-year-old pole vaulter.
Edit: This just in China's Women's Gymnastics team is comprised entirely of toddlers.
3. After the win against China, Lebron James commented that this was the biggest stage he's played on so far. So far? I guess he plans to play in some sort of intergalactic tournament. Beware the High Flying Venutian team.
4. Isn't it crazy how I have a passing interest in Men's Volleyball but seek out Women's Volleyball? And isn't it crazier that I like Women's Volleyball, but love Women's Beach Volleyball. In completely unrelated news, I am a heterosexual man.
5. Remember when the fun of the Olympics included guessing who was going to be on the Wheaties box and who was going to replace Larry Wilcox on Chips? (Bruce Jenner has both honors) Now the guessing game includes categories like:
Who's doping?
Who's going to Dance with the Stars?
Who will pose for Playboy?
Who will do Claritin ads in roughly 12 years? (Nice to see Shannon Miller again)
1. Isn't it a little misleading to call them the US Women's Gymnastics Team when they all look like they're active members of the Hannah Montana Fan Club?
2. Speaking of youth, there's a 15-year-old swimmer named Elizabeth Beisel representing the US and a 14-year-old diver named Tom Daley representing Great Britain. You know, I've always said, "Teens: They just don't have enough pressure on them." Wait, until you see the altitude on the 8-year-old pole vaulter.
Edit: This just in China's Women's Gymnastics team is comprised entirely of toddlers.
3. After the win against China, Lebron James commented that this was the biggest stage he's played on so far. So far? I guess he plans to play in some sort of intergalactic tournament. Beware the High Flying Venutian team.
4. Isn't it crazy how I have a passing interest in Men's Volleyball but seek out Women's Volleyball? And isn't it crazier that I like Women's Volleyball, but love Women's Beach Volleyball. In completely unrelated news, I am a heterosexual man.
5. Remember when the fun of the Olympics included guessing who was going to be on the Wheaties box and who was going to replace Larry Wilcox on Chips? (Bruce Jenner has both honors) Now the guessing game includes categories like:
Who's doping?
Who's going to Dance with the Stars?
Who will pose for Playboy?
Who will do Claritin ads in roughly 12 years? (Nice to see Shannon Miller again)
My favorite things about the Beijing Olympics so far:
1. On Saturday I noticed that there are Olympic officials whose sole purpose is to stare at the female swimmers as they adjust their suits. I wonder what the qualifications are for the job? I bet the hiring committee scanned resumes for words like "leering" and "creepy." What's the Chinese equivalent of Peeping Tom?
2. The Birdnest design of the stadium. Though I offer some words of caution: So close to Japan, I feel like you're just asking for trouble from Rodan.
3. The Wily Bongo (For all you Bob Costas fans out there)
4. Whenever you can fit a country's Olympic contingent in your MINI Cooper.
5. Iran following Iraq in the parade. That gave me a wonderful idea where each country could be paired off with their centuries old enemy and then walked in together to an instrumental version of "It Had to Be You." Greece and Turkey, England and Ireland, Pakistan and India, etc. I know the Olympics embody a spirit of peace, but remember, baby steps.
6. Jim Lampley's Geography. After the Latvian men's beach volleyball team upset the US, NBC sports commentator and Olympic host Jim Lampley wondered aloud what surprise winners would we see next: "Siberia, Antarctica." That would be quite a feat as neither of which are actually countries.
1. On Saturday I noticed that there are Olympic officials whose sole purpose is to stare at the female swimmers as they adjust their suits. I wonder what the qualifications are for the job? I bet the hiring committee scanned resumes for words like "leering" and "creepy." What's the Chinese equivalent of Peeping Tom?
2. The Birdnest design of the stadium. Though I offer some words of caution: So close to Japan, I feel like you're just asking for trouble from Rodan.
3. The Wily Bongo (For all you Bob Costas fans out there)
4. Whenever you can fit a country's Olympic contingent in your MINI Cooper.
5. Iran following Iraq in the parade. That gave me a wonderful idea where each country could be paired off with their centuries old enemy and then walked in together to an instrumental version of "It Had to Be You." Greece and Turkey, England and Ireland, Pakistan and India, etc. I know the Olympics embody a spirit of peace, but remember, baby steps.
6. Jim Lampley's Geography. After the Latvian men's beach volleyball team upset the US, NBC sports commentator and Olympic host Jim Lampley wondered aloud what surprise winners would we see next: "Siberia, Antarctica." That would be quite a feat as neither of which are actually countries.
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