Come to Bury the Cads of Cadbury

Time magazine recently (September 8) ran a story about the woes of one Cadbury Schweppes. Two great tastes that don't go great together. What was collectively referred to as a confectioner, aka sugar pusher, stumbled in competition with the mighty PepsiCo not to be confused with Oscorp which was run by the Green Goblin.

So Cadbury spun off the soft drink wing as Dr. Pepper Snapple Group and at the same time renamed itself Cadbury, much the way Mariah Carey renamed herself Mimi after leaving Tommy Mottola.

Divorce is always hardest on the kids. I'm sure many a bunny is in therapy blaming itself for the break-up. But Cadbury is responsible. It's braintrust, and I use the term loosely, worked out deals that gave them few to no rights in the distribution of their own product. And Cadbury takes responsibility, but not necessarily for things it should.

On its website under "Responsibilities" (How clever), one can find that they are members of Purple Goes Green and the Cadbury Cocoa Partnership. Though both sound like Gay Rights groups, Purple Goes Green is an oddly worded "commitment to climate change." I guess they're candy will come coated in SPF 50. However, they do plan on reducing their carbon footprint. How noble considering every "target" (reducing packaging, reducing energy use) is, at this time, an amendable plan. Not only that, but these plans would actually save them money.

On the other hand, the Partnership is "a ground-breaking initiative to secure the economic, social and environmental sustainability of around a million cocoa farmers and their communities in Ghana, India, Indonesia and the Caribbean." Sustainability? Talk about setting the bar low. Why not call it the Partnership to Insure Mediocrity. At least their pledge isn't to destroy all who get in their way. Again its a coincidence that this helps their bottom line, right? You can't harvest cocoa if the fields are a battleground or all the workers are busy farming food to eat to live. So in a roundabout way they do care about people, just not the people who work for them.

CEO Todd Stitizer plans on cutting 15% of the company's workforce over the next four years. So maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow (It's so considerate to drag it out), but someday the people who have labored to make the company work, not the ones who made the bad business decisions, we'll be handed Bubblicious Pink Slips and told to blow.

Why the mass firings --a 4% to 6% growth in annual revenue. That's right a whole nickel for every dollar. And a jump in profit margin from 10 to what is cloyingly described as the midteens.

Should I have expected anything less from a company founded in 1824 by John Cadbury, a Quaker? That is what we think of when we think of Quakers, cutthroat business men. And oatmeal. I guess the whole paying for Pennsylvania was anomalous. You know Pennsylvania, home to Philadelphia, The City of Brotherly Love. Unless you are Santa at an Eagles game or comedian Bill Burr at an O&A comedy show. So how do you rectify such behavior?

I guess the good, outweighs the bad. Mr. Stitzer tells Time Magazine, "We sell small moments of pleasure--small treats that are affordable in most circumstances." Not to the people who are out of work. It's unfortunate because I bet they could really use a pick me up right about now.